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My mum just doesn't understand

Im female, 12 years of age. Me and my mum argue a lot about small things, some things I don't even do. After I say something similar to it wasn't me or I try to explain she then shouts at me and it makes me more stressed and upset. My dad died when I was younger so I have no one that close to my mum to talk to her. I know that she would never hurt me or try to make me upset but she does make me upset. It happens everyday pretty much and i just feel like a bubble ready to burst.
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Sam

Hi there,

Thanks for writing in to tell me about what is going on for you between you and your mum. From what you’ve said, you’re at the point where you feel that you want things to change.

Your message doesn’t say what your relationship is like with your mum when the two of you are not arguing. You’ve told me that you know she’d never hurt or deliberately upset you, which makes me think there might be times when your relationship is still good.

You’ve said that when you're arguing you try to explain the situation to mum but it makes her shout more. Perhaps you could think about the timing of when you try to explain what happened. Some people find it helpful to let some time pass before they try to talk about an argument they have had. This allows both sides to have time to think and in some cases to become calmer or more relaxed and ready to talk. Sometimes when people argue and emotions are high it’s too hard to listen properly to what the other person is saying. Or maybe you could write a letter about how you feel about what is going on between you and what you’d like your relationship with her to be like?

I can hear that it feels like your bubble is ready to burst and you want some help and support before this happens. It sounds to me like the pressure of the arguments has been building up for a while and you feel like it’s got nowhere to go. It seems that you would like someone that would be able to talk to mum but because dad died there isn’t anyone close to her. It might be that you could still think about other adults that might be able to help support you in talking to mum. Or maybe you could try writing her a letter. This could be other family members like a grandparent, or someone at school or a youth club etc. You deserve all the support you need for what is going on for you.

You haven’t said much about how it affected you and your mum when your dad died. The death of a close family member can have a big impact on relationships between other people in the family, because everyone will react to a death in their own particular way. You might find it useful to read the Explore pages about When Someone Dies, and to check out the Winston’s Wish website (which is for children and parents who have lost someone close).

I just want to let you know that if you wanted to talk about what is going on for you then you can always speak to a counsellor at ChildLine either on a 1-2-1 chat or on 0800 1111. They are there for you and would like to help support you.

Take care,

Sam

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