Ask Sam letter

Asker

To Sam

My dad

Well my dad has been in prison twice over sexual abuse. This was like three years ago but It still upsets me from time to time. The thing is this sexual abuse was on my sister. I love my sister soooo much and I'll never forgive my dad, but I also love my dad:/ I see my dad regularry (with supervision dont worry) but the guilt I feel towards my sister.

He always buys me stuff and I'm always coming home with new things, like a laptop, phone, tv. I guess its out of love, but I'm unsure how to prevent the guilt i feel towards my sister.

What should I do? :(

Ask Sam

Sam

Hello,

Thank you for your letter. It was a really big step to decide to talk to us.

I can hear how much you love and care for your sister. Although the sexual abuse happened three years ago it’s understandable that you still get upset thinking about what happened between your sister and your dad. When you find out that someone that you love and trust has done something so wrong, it can be devastating. It can have a huge impact on absolutely everything for a long time afterwards.

It sounds like the love that you have for your dad is creating a huge amount of guilt for you because of your sister. From what you’ve said, these guilty thoughts and feelings are stopping you from being happy and are perhaps even getting in the way of your relationship with her.

You said you’re in contact with your dad and see him regularly. It sounds like you love him but can’t forgive him for hurting your sister. These feelings sound extremely confusing and I imagine that the way you see your relationship with him has changed a lot over the last few years. I want you to know it’s OK for you to still love your dad. Even though what he has done is wrong, he is still your dad, and going to see him doesn’t have to mean that you forgive him for what he did.

It sounds important that you can express to your sister how you’re feeling and I wonder if you think it would make a difference if you could let her know?

When your dad abused your sister, he completely betrayed the trust between you. It is important to look after yourself in your relationship with your dad now. He might act like things are OK between you both but remember that you have a right to decide what you want from your relationship with him. If his presents make you uncomfortable, or if you are unhappy about anything else that he says or does, then you need to say that, and to ask him to stop.

Talking about your situation can help you understand your feelings and find a way to cope with them. You’ve made a really good start already by writing this letter to me.
Remember you can always talk things over with a ChildLine counsellor. There are different ways to contact the counsellors. You can ring the freephone number 0800 1111 to talk and the number doesn’t show on a telephone bill. You can log on for a 1-2-1 chat (similar to instant messenger), or you can send an email through the ChildLine locker.

Take care,

Sam

Need help straight away?

You can talk privately to a counsellor online or call 0800 1111 for free.

Ask me a question

You can ask me about anything you want, there's nothing too big or small.

Write me a letter