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To Sam

I’m a birth child in a fostering home

Me and my family foster. I love seeing all the new children coming in and i love knowing im making a difference although sometimes its hard. I do understand how the foster children have had a hard time and need lots of care but it means i am slightly pushed to the side. It makes me feel quiet alone and its really difficult slowley watching my parents begin to love this child more and more and sometimes it seems like they love them more than me. I know they need time because of social workers etc but i sometimes wish i just had some time with just me and my parents. I really dont know how to stop feeling this way and sometimes i end up just going to my room and crying because of how i feel im less loved. My foster child went to his dad for a sleepover for one night and when he got home my parents were all over him saying how they missed him but when im away fro nights and even weeks, when i return home they show no sign of how they missed me. Im sure they still love me but its hard knowing they love another child more. Plese help and give me some advice   x
Ask Sam

Sam

Hi there,

Thank you for your letter. I can hear how tough it has been for you recently thinking about your relationship with your parents, and feeling left out and pushed aside.

You sound like a very caring person to think about how foster children are affected, and how at times it means they need more care. It sounds like you really enjoy being part of the home and making a difference to other young people’s lives, but just wish that you could keep the close bond you have with your own parents.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend more time with your parents - it just shows how much you care about them. It sounds like a very painful time for you as you describe sometimes crying when it gets a bit too much. Sometimes it can be difficult to express emotions, but you’ve explained your feelings really well in this letter.

Maybe you could think about what it might be like to talk to your parents about how you’ve been feeling recently. You could ask to speak to either parent by themselves, or both together without anybody else around. It can help to practice how you’d like to start the conversation and think about when it would be best to bring it up with your parents. If you find this difficult, perhaps you could write a letter or an email to give to your parents explaining your feelings just the way you’ve done in this letter.

You mentioned wanting some time with just you and your parents. Maybe you could think about what you might want to do in that time, like watching or reading something together with your parents for example. This can help your parents in knowing how they can be there for you. Sometimes it can feel like parents or loved ones are caring about others more, but it doesn’t always mean that they love and care about you any less. You deserve care as much as anyone in the family and it can be natural to feel this way. You’re not doing anything wrong by wanting alone time with your parents.

Feeling alone can be really tough and some young people might talk to somebody outside of their family as well. You mentioned sometimes being away from home for weeks - perhaps there is a friend or family member that you feel comfortable talking to?

You might feel you can’t talk to anyone else about this. Remember, you can always talk to a ChildLine counsellor about what this situation is like for you. They would be able to listen, support you and help you figure out what might help you to feel better. You can call them free on 0800 1111, log on for a 1-2-1 chat or send an email.

Take care,
Sam

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