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To Sam

I hate my birthday...

Hey Sam!

Last year my gran died a couple days before my birthday. It was horrible, I wasn't allowed a birthday party and my entire family was trying not to cry on my birthday. Ever since then I've been worried about my birthday. I want a birthday party and I'm allowed its just I don't want to disrespect my mum. i have gone to my friends partys and I feel as is I have to have them over so it's fair. I really want a party I just feel as if I shouldn't because I should be upset.

Ask Sam


Hi there,

Everyone reacts in their own way when somebody dies, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s important to acknowledge your own feelings and choose what feels best for you.

It can help not to put pressure on yourself to feel a particular way. And it's important that no one tells you what you’re feeling is wrong.

Your birthday last year sounds like it was really upsetting and difficult for you. I noticed that you said that you feel you should be upset about the anniversary of your Nan’s death. It’s okay to feel the way you do - everyone feels things differently.

I can hear that you're worried about disrespecting your Mum. It could really help to talk to her about the way you feel. Lots of people worry that talking about the death will upset the other person, but people can also find it helpful to talk to each other about how they feel.

It sounds like you’re allowed to have a party but you’re feeling bad about doing something for yourself. Sometimes people can feel guilty about doing something fun when somebody has died, but you have the right to enjoy your life.

It sounds like you’re worried that you’ve not had your friends over when they’ve invited you to their parties. I’m wondering how much you’ve said to your friends about how you’ve been feeling. It might be good to let them know so that they understand a bit more about what you’ve been going through. Perhaps your friends can help you to plan something that you’ll really enjoy doing together. If you’re worried about your Mum’s feelings, maybe you could include her in organising the party too.

You’ve done well to write to me about this. I hope you can have a great birthday.

Take care,


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