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To Sam

How to tell my mum I have changed?

I don't know what to do. Me and my mother have a very strained relationship. She works full time and gets home late and is very tired so has little time to talk to me about everyday things like how my day is going etc. Because she doesn't see very much of me she hasn't really met the present me. She still thinks I am the little I********* she brought up in pig tails and pink dresses. We get into lots of arguments because she misinterprets what I say and thinks I am rude. She doesn't know anything about me, how I dress differently, my sexuality, my axiety problems and my new name I*** which I want her to call me. I am just wondering how I can convey this to her. I don't want to be rude but I think that if she can understand and spend more time with me we will get along better and feel better. Is a letter good or what? Thanks, I*
Ask Sam


Hi I*,

Thanks for your letter explaining about your relationship with your mother. You should be very proud of yourself for taking the initiative with this and for being so positive about wanting things at home to change.

It seems like things between you and your mum are difficult. You don't get to spend much time together and this has made you feel that the two of you are drifting apart. It’s not clear if there is anyone else who lives with you and your mum or if there are wider family members who you can speak to about this situation. If you do have other family members, they could help you explain your feelings to your mother. This is another option to think about.

You told me that you think if you could spend more time together then she would understand you more and that your relationship would improve. You ask about writing her a letter and I’m wondering how you think she might respond to a letter from you. It sounds like she is really busy and you don't get to see her much, so writing a letter could be a good option. You can take your time working on a letter until you feel happy that the end result is as you want it to be. Writing a letter would also mean that your mother can read it and think about what you are saying to her and then work out how she is going to respond to you.  

It might be good to include in the letter how you want to get along better and to improve the way things are between you. You could also suggest some ideas of how you would like things to be at home.  For example you might want to spend more regular time together to catch up on what's going on for each of you. Maybe there is an activity that you could do together, even if it’s just going for a walk at the weekend or doing the shopping together.

If you would like to talk things through more, you could contact a counsellor at ChildLine who would listen and support you. You can call on 0800 1111, send an email or log on for a 1-2-1 chat.

Take care for now,

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