Ask Sam letter


To Sam

Whats best for me

Hey Sam,

So similar to many of these letter im 17, 18 in around a month but have always been described as an 'old soul' or mature beyond my years sort of thing so thats relevant to e an dthis situation.

I've been connecting to a guy (33yrs) who i knoow through amutual friend, have limited our contact to phone converstion adn suchlike, skype or whatever until i know where i stand. My main issue is the age, though i've always struggled ot connect with guys my age and have felt at ease with older people it obviosuly has a stigma around and would make for a slightly complicated reltionship-whether that be a friends with benefits arrangement or a relationship.

At first i was very restrained and said i think its inapproriate so to avoid the stress and anguish but naturally then feelings started to develope on both sides after deciding we could be friends and things spiralled. Hes asked to meet and wants me to see him sooner rather than later, as friends though sex is on the table too (im virgin at present), though we're going to be at the same festival in a few months.-Where he's Joked about sleeping together but also is very aware of my age (and i his) and said his morals would tell him not to, but theres less and less mention of those as time goes on.

Im messaging you just to ask from yoru experience, is this at all likely to work out well or just screw me up? I have alot of a my plate and know tis probably best to just cut him out but do feel for him and dont want to lose the connection or the fun of it. Then again i seam to be making a habit of liking people with big obstacles between us, often age, or distance/ occupation.

Any fair advice would be greatly recieved. Family are firmly unaware of the age or really who he is.Im dreading lying to anyone.

Ask Sam


Hi there,

As an adult, when you turn 18,  you’re free to have a relationship with another adult, regardless of the age gap. I can’t predict what the outcome would be if you took your relationship further.

Sometimes being able to foresee the future seems like it would be a good thing – we could avoid mistakes and heartache.

But it’s also worth remembering that we can learn a lot from the mistakes we make. The important thing is to use what we learn to help us to make different or better decisions the next time we are faced with a similar situation.

It’s really clear from your emails that the guy you’re talking about is keen both to develop your relationship and move it into real world interactions, and wants to have sex with you. What I didn’t get a sense of from your email was whether or not that’s something you want too. So I guess the first thing I want to say is that you don’t have to do anything that you’re not completely comfortable with. You also have the right to change your mind if you decide, at any point that you are not comfortable with where things are going.

Right now you’re talking about someone you haven’t met, so it seems like it would be really difficult to know whether you want to have sex with him. It might be that you decide you do want to begin a sexual relationship with him, but it’s OK to get to know him better in the real world first, before that happens. I also appreciate that you’ve told me that you are a virgin, which means that it’s a big step and one that it’s OK to take time to think about. If you’d like to talk it through with someone, you can talk to a counsellor.

When you’re meeting someone in real life for the first time, it’s important to think about how to keep yourself safe. Here’s a link to a discussion about this on the message boards that you may want to join. If you decide that you’re ready to have a sexual relationship, it’s also a good idea to think safety from that point of view too. Brook has lots of helpful information about this.

Take care,

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