Ask Sam letter


To Sam

Transgender sex.

My boyfriend and I want to have sex. We are both transgender boys and hate our bodies. We have spoken about these kinds of things but I am scared that the fact that I do not shave will bother him and I don't know how to have sex without making us both feel insecure (touching parts that we wish we didn't have). We also both wear chest binders and I am scared we will get too hot/flustered. I don't feel as bad about my genitals as he does but I am still worried and I cannot find any other advice. I understand that it is all in the moment but I don't want to mess up and upset him. I am also more experienced than him and a year older (he is not under aged) and I am scared that I wont take it slow enough.

Ask Sam


Hi there,

Having sex is a big decision. In a healthy relationship it’s important to respect each others decisions and you should feel able to be yourself. It's important to talk about sex with your partner and find out how they feel about it. Supporting each other and understanding what you’re both comfortable with is all part of making sure you’re both happy.

Feeling comfortable with your body can help you feel confident. It’s normal to worry about your body or how you look sometimes, especially during puberty. As a transgender person, your feelings about the way you look can sometimes make it difficult to accept yourself and be happy with who you are.

Try not to compare yourself to people you see in films, music videos and magazines. Remember that these images aren't real and there’s no such thing as a perfect person. It can be difficult to relax when you’re worried about how you look, the way your body feels or if you find it hard to accept the parts of you you find most difficult to live with.

There's no right or wrong way to have sex. It’s important to communicate and talk to each other about your worries. Remember that everyone’s different and you can stop at any time. It’s always okay to change your mind if something doesn’t feel right. That includes listening to your partner and checking they’re happy with what’s happening and want to continue too.

Finding a safe place to talk about sex, sexuality and gender can be difficult and it’s hard to know who to trust online. Counsellors at Childline are here to listen any time you want to chat.

Take care,


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