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To Sam

Scared to have sex again after being forced.

I'm 15 and wanting to take things further with my boyfriend. He doesn't want to have sex with me until i am 16, but wants to try to take things a bit further. I’m happy with that, but the only thing is I'm scared it will bring back memories of what happened to me about 6 months ago. i met up with the guy and things went too far, he was asking me to do stuff i didn't want to, and i said no. he told me i had to because I've lead him on, i was scared as i was at his house and didn't know my way home. in the end, i did everything he asked me to do, but i felt awful. My friends know i slept with him, but they think it was because i wanted to. I’m too scared to say he forced me. I'm now scared of doing anything again, in case it brings back all the horrible pictures in my mind. My boyfriend knows a bit about what happened, but i just told him i wasn't ready to do it, i didn't say i was forced. he is patient with me, but i feel like I’m never going to get over what happened. Every time we get close to doing something i get really scared and stop. i feel like such an idiot, but i really don't know what to do! please help :(
Ask Sam

Sam

Hello,

Thank you for your message, you have been really brave to write to me and share a bit about how you’re feeling at the moment.

I imagine what happened 6 months ago was an incredibly scary experience. It is really important that you know that what happened was not your fault. No one has the right to make you do things that you are not ready to do or do not feel comfortable doing. You always have the right to say no, even if at first you were happy with the idea and wanted to do things or have sex, you are allowed to change your mind and to say no. If someone pressures or forces you into sexual activity that you don’t want, then this is sexual assault and it is illegal.

You might find it useful to read more about sexual assault at This is Abuse. Brook is another good website which has lots of information that might be useful, for instance on sex, relationships and your rights.

You said that you feel your friends think you wanted to sleep with this guy and you’re scared to say that he forced you. You said that you feel like you’ll never get over what happened. It can be scary to think and talk about what happened but you deserve to be supported and sometimes talking about what happened and how it made you feel can be really helpful. Some people find it helps to have specialist counselling after being assaulted. If that’s something you are interested in, you could find out what services are available near you by ringing Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999.

You have mentioned that you’d like to take things further with your boyfriend but you are feeling scared that it will bring back the memories of what happened. It sounds like your boyfriend cares about you and you’ve told me that he is patient. You might find it helps to talk to your boyfriend more about what happened so that he can try to really understand. It’s important to give yourself the time you need to go at whatever pace works for you, even if that means putting everything on hold until you feel ready.

You could also talk to a Childline counsellor more about what happened and how you are feeling. Childline has a free helpline on 0800 11 11 (which does not appear on the phone bill) or you could log in for a 1-2-1 chat with a counsellor, which works a bit like instant messenger.

Take care,

Sam

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