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Sam, I'm a liar

I've been talking to this guy whose 17. When we first started talking I told him i was 14 (I'm actually 13). I told him that because I didn't think it was going to get that serious. We've been FaceTime ing and we've met up twice and yesterday he came over to my house and we kissed and spooned and just talked really for a full day! I loved it and so did he.. We are getting serious but I can't feell anything because I've told this lie. He really likes me and I feel like I can't like him back because I've told this massive lie, and if he finds out he's going to hate me and that will only make me feel worse, my birthday is in 2 months and he thinks I'm going to be 15. I like him a lot but I can't feel anything in my heart (sounds cringey) but I've told this massive lie, and I need help
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Sam

Hi there,

Thank you for writing to me about what sounds like a very difficult time. I can hear that you are feeling really unsure about what to do next.

From what you've said, you've both become very close to each other. It also sounds like you're having mixed feelings. On one hand you really like him and you want to move forward by telling him the truth about your age. On the other hand, you feel held back because you're not quite sure what would happen if you told him the truth.

At some point you need to be open and honest with him. Firstly because you care about him and secondly because all relationships need to be based on people being honest and respecting each other. This is true for relationships between friends as well as relationships with people we are attracted to.

It also sounds like you have given this a lot of thought. It may be healthier for you to move forward as it can be exhausting constantly having something worrying on our mind.

I'm wondering what it may be like to tell him what has happened just like you have done with me. From what you've told me it doesn't sound like you lied to make things harder. It sounds like you didn't know where the friendship would lead. Maybe you thought that he was scared of being rejected because of the age difference between you - this could be why you pretended to be a little bit older than you really are.

It's now got to a stage where he does need to know the truth because he deserves to have important facts about the person he is spending time with. 

Both of your ages are very important things to know about each other. It might be very difficult to go back and tell him your real age - but this could be the best option.

If the situation was reversed, how would you like somebody to share this information with you? If it feels like it’s too difficult to have the conversation with him then you may consider writing it down as a way of expressing yourself.

From your letter it sounds like you are being very hard on yourself and fearing that he may hate you. Everybody makes mistakes. Sometimes what we learn from mistakes can be really valuable and can help us deal with similar situations in the future in better ways. Sometimes everyone wishes they hadn't done something or wishes they had done it differently - the most important thing is realising it and thinking about ways of putting it right and moving forward.

If you want to talk it through some more with a counsellor, we’re always here for you.

Take care,

Sam    
 

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