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To Sam

Pressuring into sex

Me and my boyfriend had started having sex and at first we would only do it when we both wanted to but now if I say I'm not in the mood he gets really angry and he has even hit me a few times. I am scared so I go ahead with the sex but sometimes he really hurts me whilst we are having sex. I have talked to him about it and he just says that he's fine so shut up and gets angry again. I really love him and don't want to break up but what should I do???? Please help ?
Ask Sam



Thank you for your letter telling me about how things are for you.

I want you to know that the way your boyfriend is treating you is very wrong. He is abusing you. You always have the right to say no to any sexual activity that you don’t want. You were really brave to talk to your boyfriend about him hurting you, but I can see he didn’t really hear you. Unfortunately, abusive partners are often very good at making the other person feel like it is their fault instead. This is not your fault. No-one has the right to hurt you or to force you into having sex.

You’ve done really well to find the courage to write to me, so well done. It can be really hard to deal with abuse in a relationship, especially when you have strong feelings for your partner. You have asked me what you can do. When you are thinking about making changes in your life, it is important that you have the chance to think about all the different possible outcomes, so that you can have some control over the situation, and prepare for what happens next.

There is some very helpful information about relationship abuse in Explore and at This is Abuse. You might also find it helpful talking to other young people to get some support via the message boards.

What’s really important is that you are safe. Remember if you ever feel like you are in danger you should call 999 and ask for some immediate help. I also wonder if you’ve talked to anyone else about what is happening to you, like friends, family or even a teacher? If not, perhaps you can have a think about who you could get support from. You are the only one who can decide what you really want to happen next with this relationship, but sometimes hearing the opinion of people we trust can help us to make difficult choices.

Perhaps you could also consider coming through to talk to a counsellor to explore things in confidence.

Take care,


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