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My best friend hates herself... and she blames me

Hi Sam

My best friend has been self harming for 6 years now at first it was just her im not sure what started it off but now she just blames me for it. I tried to kill myself last year in September. I'm alot better now but she says that that's what makes her do it. Every time she's upset she says that it's my fault, If i've had a bad day and i just say that im upset she will get upset and she will cut, if im too happy she will get upset, whenever she's in a bad mood or we get into an arguement she cuts! It's really annoying because it means that i have to hide all my emotions i have to be careful what i say around her. I have alot going on at the moment with family and school but all i can think about is that she blames me for everything that goes wrong with her

What can i do?

Ask Sam

Sam

Hi there

Thanks for making contact with me and letting me know how things are with you and your friend at the moment. It’s always a good idea to get some support with difficult situations like this.

It sounds like things were incredibly hard for you last year when you tried to kill yourself. I’m so pleased that things have been much better for you recently. It seems like you’ve recognised that things can improve and change for you and I’m really glad to hear that you’re feeling safer and happier. 

However, it seems like things continue to be very challenging between you and your best friend. It’s completely understandable that you feel annoyed by this and are unsure what to do. It’s really important that you know that your friend should not be ‘blaming’ you for her self-harm. You are entitled to feel upset or happy and this should not cause another person to harm themselves. You should be able to be yourself with your friends, as long as everyone is respectful towards each other.

It seems really important that your friend stops telling you that you are to blame for her self-harm. I’m wondering if you could let her know how this makes you feel. You can make it clear that you care about her and want to help, but that you won’t accept her trying to make you feel guilty about things that aren’t your fault.

People self-harm for all sorts of different and complex reasons. It’s often because they’re struggling to control feelings that they don’t have a safe way of expressing. It’s unclear from your letter if your friend has any adult support in her life at the moment. Being able to talk to a trusted adult might help her learn to manage her feelings in a safer way. Perhaps your friend could choose to talk with someone like a teacher, school nurse, counsellor or a social worker. Your friend could also choose to contact Childline by phoning 0800 11 11, or by logging in for a 1-2-1 chat.

It’s important to remember that you also deserve help with what has been happening and that way it’s making you feel. Perhaps you have a trusted adult in your life who you could confide in. You are always very welcome to talk with the counsellors at ChildLine.

It might help for you and your friend to look at the ChildLine Message boards and read the information about self-harm in Explore. Other helpful websites are Epic Friends and The Site, which both have some great ideas for supporting a friend who is self-harming. I hope this helps.

Take care,

Sam

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