Ask Sam letter

Hi there,

When thinking about starting any kind of relationship, both people’s feelings are important. Going from a friendship to a sexual or romantic relationship is a big change. It would be important to think about how it might affect your friendship when deciding to bring it up or not.

If you've known someone as a friend for a long time it can be difficult to imagine them as anything else. Feelings can change, though, and it’s not wrong for you to feel attracted to her. You can’t help the way you feel.

It’s hard to say what would happen if you brought this up with her. Even suggesting the idea of having sex with your friend could change the way things are between you. Whether she says yes or no it’s going to affect your friendship one way or another.

It’s good to ask yourself if you are ready for a sexual relationship and the feelings involved. Your friend has feelings too, and I would suggest you take some time to consider what she wants from your friendship. If she’s not been giving you any signs that she wants more than friendship, maybe this means she doesn’t think of you in that way.

If you’re looking for more than just sex, perhaps you could start by explaining how you feel. Sex is often something that comes after two people are comfortable in a relationship, rather than straight away. If you wanted to talk to her then sharing how you feel could be better than telling her you want to have sex. If she feels the same way then sex can naturally happen later, when you’re both ready.

In any kind of relationship, respect has to take priority. It will be good to remember this when you think about what you do next. It’s not wrong to share how you feel with her, but you should consider what effect this might have on your friendship. If there’s a mutual friend who you can definitely trust, you could always run this by them to see how they think she’d react.

You may find support from other young people on the message boards who are in similar situations and ChildLine counsellors are also there to help you make the right choice.

Take care,
Sam