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To Sam

I just broke up with him...

I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday.

I met him online, never met him in real life. However, I have known him for 2 and a half years, and the past year and a half we have been in a relationship.

I broke up with him because he was was too obsessive over me, he was saving up to come and meet me, but in doing so he stopped having a social life with people he actually knew "in real life". He made it out like we'd be with each other forever, and I really couldn't handle that commitment, but he honestly believed like it would happen. I couldn't bear having to keep a relationship a secret either, so I ended it.

Now, he never wants to speak to me again. I tried to end my relationship, but I ended up loosing my best friend too.

I really don't know how I'll cope not being able to talk to him everyday.

It hurts

Ask Sam

Sam

Hello,

I’m glad you’ve written to me and told me about your relationship that’s just ended, especially since you’re struggling with very mixed feelings about that ending.
Though you never met, your boyfriend was an important part of your life, someone you were in contact with every day and who I’m sure you shared lots of your thoughts and feelings with.

At some point, you became concerned he was becoming obsessed with you and his own ideas about your future together. I think it’s really good you followed your instincts that his behaviour was becoming too intense and his plans were not in line with what you felt ready for.

I’m also glad you were able to see some of the potential problems with keeping this online relationship secret. I know a lot of young people think hiding their online relationship is the only option, since they’re afraid the adults in their lives might overreact if they found out what they’d been doing or saying online. However, there can be very real risks with keeping online relationships secret. It can also be emotionally draining to hide away a big part of your life.

All the thought and understanding you brought to breaking off this relationship doesn’t in any way lessen what you’ve lost. The end of an intense relationship, where you have daily contact and know each other so well, can be very painful and it makes sense that you’re worried about how to get through it. I think it’s important that you give yourself some time and that you are kind to yourself while you come to terms with losing this relationship.

You were aware of the potential problems when your boyfriend was no longer taking part in the real life around him. That makes me think you’re a person who’s remained involved with your offline friends and activities. Perhaps that too will help you cope and it may be that some new friendships or opportunities will open up as you rebalance your commitments between the virtual world and the real world. There’s some useful suggestions on TheSite.org about mending a broken heart.

If you think that it would be helpful to have a conversation about all you’re going through, you can phone or have an online chat with one of the counsellors. Also, there is a message boards about relationships where young people support one another on these kinds of issues, so you might want to have a look at that.

Take care,

Sam

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