Ask Sam letter

Hi,

Thanks for your letter and for being so honest about how you are feeling about your relationship with your boyfriend. It sounds like you are really struggling with the physical side of your relationship and that it’s really making you very worried.

I can hear that, even though you feel very attracted to your boyfriend, you’ve been feeling very guilty if you go any further than kissing? It’s very important to find your own boundaries and to feel comfortable with what’s happening. I’m glad to hear that you say that he is loving and not controlling you. No one should ever make you feel like you have to do something you are uncomfortable with.

I also want you to know that it is okay to enjoy it when you and your boyfriend touch each other. That’s a very normal thing to want to do with someone you are attracted to, and you don’t need to feel gross about it. What’s most important is that you both feel comfortable with what’s happening. If you don’t feel ready for more than kissing at the moment, that’s totally okay too.

Communication is a really important part of any relationship so it sounds like it’s probably a good idea to talk to him about how you are feeling. You deserve to be in a relationship where you are happy, feel loved and cared for and also respected. You’ve said your boyfriend has been very understand and supportive, so it might not be that you have to break off the relationship altogether. It might just be about telling him how you feel and agreeing some rules about how you two get on together.

I’m concerned that you say that you are self harming because of how you are left feeling. It sounds like you are putting a huge amount of blame on yourself for something that you don’t need to feel guilty about at all. I’m wondering if you have thought about talking to anyone else about this. I know that can be hard, but you have been able to ask for help here, right? It’s also important to remember that all adults were young people once too! A trusted adult could be a parent/carer, another relative, a teacher, a school counsellor or a youth worker for example. All these people could support and help you. You can also visit the Self harm page in explore, or Young Minds for some information and advice about self-harming and where you can get help.

I hope this has been useful to you, but if you do feel like you would like to talk about this a bit more, please feel free to talk to a ChildLine counsellor either by logging on for a 1-2-1 chat or by giving them a ring on 0800 1111.

Take care,

Sam