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To Sam

I had sex with my bestfriend and I have a boyfriend.

I'm so confused about what I want right now. I've got a boyfriend and it will be our 3 year Anniversary in a few months. But I don't know if I love him or not. He has cheated on me and I have cheated on him. I have done sexual things with my best friend while still being in a relationship with my boyfriend, I regret doing everything I have done with this boy and I wish it never had happened. I have told my boyfriend and we have sorted it out so that is fine. But. I thought I loved this other boy but he annoys me so much and I can't even bare to think about not being with my boyfriend but I can't seem to stop myself flirting with this other boy!! What do I do!! Do I need professional help to stop me being a slut or something?
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Sam

Hi there,


Thanks for writing to me about this. I can tell that you are having a worrying time right now and I’m glad you feel able to share this with me.

From what you’ve said, you’re feeling confused about your relationship and are trying to work out what you would really like to happen. It might be helpful to think about what’s most important to you in a relationship and where this fits with the two different boys in your life. It can help to think about who treats you with respect and who you feel happiest around and what it is that they do that helps you to be happy. You might want to take a look at the Relationships page in Explore for some more information about healthy realtionships.

I’m wondering if you feel there is something missing from the relationship you have with your boyfriend. If there is, is it something that it’s possible to work on together? Every relationship will involve some ups and downs, and talking things through and making small changes can sometimes make a real difference. Sadly there are also times when two people have grown too far apart, and a relationship might reach a point where it just isn’t working anymore. After spending 3 years with your boyfriend, and making it past both of you cheating, it’s not surprising that you’re feeling unsure about your relationship at the moment.

Feeling confused about all of this doesn’t make you a “slut”. Sometimes when someone pays attention to us, or gives us compliments, it can feel really nice and so it’s understandable that you might sometimes enjoy being flattered by your best friend. What’s important is that you always act in a way that is respectful towards your boyfriend, since he’s the one you’ve chosen to be with. For example, if he isn’t comfortable with you touching or hugging other guys, then it’s important to talk that through with him, and agree on what behaviour you both think is “ok”. If you are finding it harder and harder to stick what you’ve agreed with your boyfriend maybe it’s time to think about whether this is still the right relationship for you.

If you would like more support with this, how would it be to talk to a ChildLine counsellor? You can call 0800 1111 to speak to a counsellor (calls are free) or log in for a chat on the ChildLine website. The counsellor will not tell you what to do but will listen and give you the opportunity to explore what’s going on for you, so that you can find a way forward that feels right for you.

Good luck with this and thanks again for your letter.

Take care

Sam

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