Ask Sam letter

Asker

To Sam

I had an abortion 6 months ago and regret it

Hello, I'm 16 years old and 6 months ago I had an abortion, I'm still with the same guy and we regret it so much, we really want a baby now and it's killing us both, every programme I watch,every song, every image, everything reminds us of children and I see them everywhere, I don't know what to do anymore, its really starting to get to me. Ill never be able to see my baby that I had terminated, never will I be able to see it grow up, and I hate the fact that I killed my own baby. I am currently on the pill but every night I sit there thinking whether I should take it or not. My boyfriend is 18 and works every day, I work Sundays so its not like we won't be able to afford one. I've always wanted a baby, I love them but I am not really the 'stereotypical 16 year old young mum' I have good grades, I am not failing in my life, I have a good well being and I'm scared that people will look at me differently. I'm scared it'll ruin my family... My parents knew about my abortion but, the saddness I have now is not nice. At all, I just need some help and advice
Ask Sam

Sam

Hi

Thanks very much for writing in. I can hear what a huge effect the abortion has had on your life. It sounds like both you and your boyfriend are finding it really hard to cope with your feelings about it now.

I imagine you made the best decision you could at the time when you had the abortion. The experience of having an abortion is different for everyone, but for some people it leaves them with a lot of difficult and confusing emotions. From what you’ve said, the guilt of feeling like you made the wrong choice is really taking over your life at the moment. Unfortunately with big and complex decisions some regret and doubt is always there afterwards. We can torture ourselves thinking we did the wrong thing, but we don’t really know what may have happened if we chose differently.

It seems like your guilt has pushed you towards feeling like you want to have another baby, sooner rather than later. I can hear that it’s something you’ve thought through and it sounds like you and your boyfriend would have a lot of love to offer a baby, but I wonder if now is definitely the best time for you both? 

I’m worried that you both need more time to heal from the pain and sadness you are going through right now. I can see how important being a mother is to you. I worry that getting pregnant again right now wouldn’t take away your feeling of guilt.

I can hear that you recognise that having a baby at 16 would come with lots of challenges. I imagine it would be incredibly hard to deal with being young parents while you are still feeling so guilty. It’s also important that you can be sure you have enough emotional, financial, and practical support before you decide to plan for a baby. That way, you’re giving yourself the best chance possible of having the positive experience that you and your child deserve.

I’d really suggest talking your plans through with all the important people in your life, and hearing what they have to say. You (and your boyfriend) could also benefit from getting some counselling to help you make sense of everything that has happened and allow you to stop punishing yourself and look to the future. Care confidential offer specialist support and advice for people who have had an abortion. Talking about feelings can be a powerful way of making them less painful.

Finally, you would both be very welcome to talk to Childline. The counsellors won’t judge, and they can give you a safe space to talk through how you feel.

Take care

Sam

Need help straight away?

You can talk privately to a counsellor online or call 0800 1111 for free.

Ask me a question

You can ask me about anything you want, there's nothing too big or small.

Write me a letter