Ask Sam letter

Hi

Thanks very much for writing in. I can hear what a huge effect the abortion has had on your life. It sounds like both you and your boyfriend are finding it really hard to cope with your feelings about it now.

I imagine you made the best decision you could at the time when you had the abortion. The experience of having an abortion is different for everyone, but for some people it leaves them with a lot of difficult and confusing emotions. From what you’ve said, the guilt of feeling like you made the wrong choice is really taking over your life at the moment. Unfortunately with big and complex decisions some regret and doubt is always there afterwards. We can torture ourselves thinking we did the wrong thing, but we don’t really know what may have happened if we chose differently.

It seems like your guilt has pushed you towards feeling like you want to have another baby, sooner rather than later. I can hear that it’s something you’ve thought through and it sounds like you and your boyfriend would have a lot of love to offer a baby, but I wonder if now is definitely the best time for you both? 

I’m worried that you both need more time to heal from the pain and sadness you are going through right now. I can see how important being a mother is to you. I worry that getting pregnant again right now wouldn’t take away your feeling of guilt.

I can hear that you recognise that having a baby at 16 would come with lots of challenges. I imagine it would be incredibly hard to deal with being young parents while you are still feeling so guilty. It’s also important that you can be sure you have enough emotional, financial, and practical support before you decide to plan for a baby. That way, you’re giving yourself the best chance possible of having the positive experience that you and your child deserve.

I’d really suggest talking your plans through with all the important people in your life, and hearing what they have to say. You (and your boyfriend) could also benefit from getting some counselling to help you make sense of everything that has happened and allow you to stop punishing yourself and look to the future. Care confidential offer specialist support and advice for people who have had an abortion. Talking about feelings can be a powerful way of making them less painful.

Finally, you would both be very welcome to talk to Childline. The counsellors won’t judge, and they can give you a safe space to talk through how you feel.

Take care

Sam