Ask Sam letter


To Sam

I feel dirty

I'm 13 and had sex about a month ago. I feel so dirty and it feels wrong. He used me for sex, and then broke up with me. I feel like im worthless and not good enough. I asked my school counsiller about having underaged sex, i pretended as if i was asking about a friend, and for some reason she asked if i was taking drugs? i dont know why, she says goths, emos and alternatives (like myself) are more likley to take drugs. I was not on drugs at the time. i feel like such a slut, i wasnt ready but i was stupid enough to do it anyway. this is making my self harm worse and i feel like no one will ever want me.
what should i do?!?!  
Ask Sam


Hi there,

Having sex can be such a big decision to make. Although it might work out okay sometimes, there’s always the risk of being hurt. Some people can be selfish and want to use others to get what they want. Picking up the pieces when they’ve left can be hard. Having sex doesn’t make you a bad person.

I can tell you really regret having sex with this person. It’s always easy to see these things differently after they’ve happened. We all do things we regret, there isn’t anyone who lives their life entirely to plan – making mistakes is part of living and is how we learn.

You’re right that it’s very important to think about whether you are ready before having sex. Sometimes we can feel ready for something like this and only afterwards realise we weren’t. This uncertainty is why the legal age to have sex is 16 - because it’s so easy for someone to think they’re ready when they might not be.

Just remember that choosing to have sex doesn’t make you a bad person. Although you regret it and you feel it was a mistake, that doesn’t make you a “slut”. That’s a word that’s used to make women feel bad about having sex, when really you get to decide who you sleep with and when. I think the fact that you were not ready is making it hard for you to forgive yourself for making a mistake.

I think it’d help you to talk to others on the ChildLine message boards – perhaps there’s other people who feel they chose to have sex too young who might be able to help you cope. Maybe you could start a “things you regret” thread to see what others say.  It sounds like your school counsellor wasn’t very helpful – if you do want to get some advice about underage sex, you could always talk to our counsellors too.

Thanks for your letter, take care.

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