Ask Sam letter

Asker

To Sam

How to end this relationship

Dear Sam, I'm going out with this girl that had a history with self harming and still has urges but I don't like her anymore. I have no idea how to tell her this without her going off and doing something. I have no idea what I should do.
Ask Sam

Sam

Hi there,

Breaking up with someone isn’t always easy. We might worry about what will happen, what the other person might say or do and  how their friends might react.

Everyone has the right to end a relationship they don’t want to be in anymore. There’s nothing wrong with doing this. It’s better for both people and more respectful to do that than stay with them for the wrong reasons.

I can tell you're a really caring person as you're worrying that your girlfriend will hurt herself if you end the relationship. It’s great that you are so thoughtful about how she might react but it’s really important that you know you’re not responsible for anyone else’s actions.

What your girlfriend does is her choice and within her control. Upsetting things happen in everyone’s lives and how your girlfriend deals with that is nobody else’s responsibility. She may not find it easy to manage her feelings but that is for her to explore and ask for support.

There are some ways of ending relationships that are kinder than others. Think about how you might feel if it was happening to you. Would you want to be told to your face and given a reason? Would you want it to be done in private? How would you feel if you were sent a text? How you tell someone can make a lot of difference to how the other person feels.

Sometimes people who are hurting may say things in the heat of the moment about things they might do. This can be a reaction to being hurt or a way of getting someone to change their mind. It can be said without thinking or as emotional blackmail. Changing your decision because you worry what someone might do is not good for either of you.

It might help for you to have a look at the Relationships page for some more information. If you want to talk to someone about your worries you can contact a ChildLine counsellor at any time.

Take care,
Sam

Need help straight away?

You can talk privately to a counsellor online or call 0800 1111 for free.

Ask me a question

You can ask me about anything you want, there's nothing too big or small.

Write me a letter