Ask Sam letter


To Sam

Going out with another group of people

Sorry to bother you,

I was just wondering about something. You see, one of my friends has asked me to go to her birthday party, but she hasn't invited my closest friend who I've known for 8 years.

I want to go, but I feel like I would be betraying her.

What should I do?

Ask Sam


Hi there,

It can be awkward when friends plan to do something without involving everyone. Your friend can decide who they want to invite to their party and there are lots of reasons they might not invite everyone. There might be a cost involved for each person or they're only allowed to invite a certain number of people.

Who they invite isn’t your responsibility and no one should make you feel bad for going to a party they aren’t invited to. Your friend might feel disappointed or hurt that they’ve not been invited to the party and you can listen to how they’re feeling and offer your support. You could tell your friend that you feel sad that they’re not going and remind them how important their friendship is to you.

If you decide to go to the party it’s important to be honest about going so that you’re not worrying about your friend finding out on social media or by overhearing a conversation. The truth will probably come out anyway and trying to pretend you’re not going is likely to damage your friendship. You have a relationship with the friend who's hosting the birthday as well and it’s okay to do things with them.

When talking to the friend who isn’t going you could explain that you hope they won’t be upset about you going to the party without them and suggest that you do something together on another day. Ask them to choose what they’d like to do together or pick something you know they really enjoy as a surprise.

You don’t need to rush to make a decision but whatever you decide to do it’s important that you’re happy and that you don’t hold any grudges or feel guilty as a result. It can help to remember that it’s not possible to please everyone and trying to make everyone else happy will often mean that you won’t be happy yourself.

You can talk to a Childline counsellor about this or anything else that’s worrying you.

Thank you for your letter.

Take care,


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