Ask Sam letter

Hi there,

Looking out for our own feelings and the feelings of others can be really hard. We often have to make choices about our happiness while thinking about how our decisions might affect those around us.

Crushes are hard to deal with because the feelings we get from them are very strong. Often we can’t seem to think of anything else but that person and it can mean we make choices based on just those feelings. Before making any decisions it can be good to think about what the consequences might be and what feels right for you.

You said your friend likes the same person you have a crush on – which isn’t anybody’s fault. Nobody can help how they feel or who they feel attracted to. The options you have are to follow your own feelings and see if this crush can lead to a relationship – which risks upsetting your friend – or ignoring your own feelings and seeing if your friend does anything. There’s nothing wrong with choosing to follow your own feelings.

You may choose to ignore your own feelings and see if your friend and this person start a relationship – but you’d need to think about how this would feel for you. At the same time, if they don’t get together you might be left wondering what could have been – and you may never find out.

There is a third option which is to talk about this with your friend – being honest about feelings for this person might mean that the two of you can make sure that whatever happens, your friendship isn’t going to be affected.

Of course, remember that there is a third person involved in all this and that’s your crush – she may not have feelings for either of you, and that’s okay too, so you need to prepare yourself for that possibility as well.

I can’t tell you what you should do in this situation but hopefully reading this has helped to make some of your options clearer. Don't forget you can get more support by contacting our counsellors or from other young people on our message boards.

Take care,
Sam