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To Sam

Fitting in and friends

I am having difficulty at school because I used to and sort of stil do hang around with this group of people who swear and have facebook underage and have boyfriends (or girlfriends) and they have they're second peircing done and I dont have any of that because I dont feel I have to. We are all 11 and I don't want to break the Law to fit in and have Facebook. I have tried to speak to my mum about it and she gave me some motherly advice by saying '' you dont have to have that to fit in'' and I know that but truthfully, I dont even want to be in that group anymore.

But who am I friends with now?

My youth workers and other friends say, '' just be with who you want to be with'' and I dont know who that is. It just punches me and it hits me really hard when I see them walking around town together, shouting being really loud.

Once, I asked one of my best friends from that group if she would like to come shopping with me on Saturday. She said'' sure yeah, see u at 2;30'' i said'' ok''
On saturday I phoned her because I couldnt do that time I needed to do it an hour earlier. I phoned her 6 times and no one picked up. So, assuming she was ill or something, I took another friend and when we got into town, I saw my best friend with that group of people laughing and shopping with sweets. They were all like ''Oh hey'' and giving me hugs. I couldnt bear to look at my best friend because she pretended nothing had happened, she does it all the time.

Ask Sam



Thank you for your letter. I’m really glad you decided to write in and talk about what things are like for you at the moment.

I can hear you are going through a difficult time with some of your friends and it sounds like you’re figuring out what things are important to you in a friendship.

I just wanted to say that you sound very aware of what does and doesn’t feel right for you, which is really positive and shows real maturity. It takes a lot of strength not to give into peer pressure, so well done for standing by the values you believe in. It sounds like you don’t agree with a lot of what this group of people do and that this makes it hard to fit in with them. I can imagine that’s tough and it seems that it’s made you question whether they are the right friends for you.

I can hear that it was particularly upsetting when you made plans to go shopping with your best friend and she let you down. It’s important to remember that you have not done anything wrong and that you don’t deserve to be treated this way. From what you’ve said, that’s not the first time that she’s hurt you, and that doesn’t sound OK to me. A good friend should care about your feelings and try hard to avoid upsetting you.

I can hear you’ve already taken some positive steps by talking to your mum, your youth workers and other friends. It sounds like they have encouraged you to be the person that you want to be and to choose the friends you want to be with. It’s important for you to know that whoever your friends are, you deserve to be accepted by them just as you are.

It’s okay not to know exactly which friends you want to be with at the moment. You’ve mentioned that you’ve got other friends outside the group, so maybe you could try spending more time with them and seeing what that’s like. It might help you decide who you feel most comfortable with.

There is page in Explore about Friendships that you might want to look at. Also, you might want to consider having a chat with one of the ChildLine counsellors to talk some more. You can do this by calling 0800 1111 (free from any phone), logging in for a 1-2-1 chat or by sending an email through the Locker.

Take care,


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