Ask Sam letter

Hi there,

Deciding when to have sex with someone can be a big decision, especially if it's your first time. Everyone feels differently about their first time - some people don't see it as anything special, whilst others want to share that moment with someone close to them. Having difficult or traumatic experiences with sex in the past makes this decision even more difficult and it's really important to look after your feelings first.

The first thing to mention is that just because you've said yes, doesn't mean you have to. It's okay to change your mind at any time - even if you get right up to the moment. In an healthy relationship you can say yes when you feel like having sex with someone, and this is called consent. You need to give your consent before having sex and if you change your mind, that is ok too, as consent can be taken back for any reason - you don't owe him an explanation.

Sexual assault and rape can leave you with some very difficult memories and feelings. You might need time to cope with those and you might even need a professional to help you, like a therapist or counsellor. When making your decision about whether to have sex or not it's important to think carefully about how far you have progressed with coping with your past, and how comfortable you feel.

It's also important to recognise when you’re ready. Starting a sexual relationship with someone you care about is a step you might feel you want to take at some point, and that's okay. As long as you’re making the right decision for you, that's all that matters.

Whatever you decide, it's your decision what happens next. One of the best things to do is talk this through with someone you trust and see what it feels like. Talking about a problem can often help you decide what the next step is and you can do that anonymously with a Childline counsellor if you want. You might also find it useful to share your experience and ask what other young people would do on the message boards.

I hope this has helped, take care.

Sam

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