Ask Sam letter

Hi there,

Breaking up is never easy, so you are not alone in worrying about taking this step. Whilst it can feel really cruel, in the long run you are doing the right thing for both of you. Staying in a relationship which doesn’t feel right might feel like the best thing for him and easier for you, but if you feel trapped in the relationship you are both unlikely to be getting the relationship you want and deserve.

You feel he is very happy in this relationship, but in the long run he too will benefit from your honesty. Telling someone something they don’t want to hear can feel really difficult so it can help to pick a time when you know you both have time to focus and talk. Whilst it takes a lot of courage, doing this face to face is the best way to discuss difficult feelings.

It’s important to be clear about how you are feeling so that he understands the message you are trying to put across. It can feel really easy to be talked out of something when we feel guilty. However, if you end up agreeing to stay in the relationship when it’s not what you want then breaking up the second time might feel even worse. Being assertive can help you to remain calm, focused and clear about what you are trying to say and the reasons why. 

It may come as a shock for your boyfriend that you are ending the relationship, so give him time to come to terms with the idea. It’s natural for people to be upset, confused, hurt or even angry when someone breaks up with them. Everyone reacts differently so listen to how he is feeling and the next steps he wants to take. It may be too soon to decide if you can remain friends, but at first it might be that you both need some space to cope with the changes which not being in a relationship any more might bring.

It can feel really difficult for the person ending the relationship too, so you may also find you are feeling low about the relationship ending. If you’d like to talk it through, there is always someone to talk to at ChildLine.

Take care,
Sam