Ask Sam letter


To Sam

boyfriend forces me and gets angry

i have a boyfriend and we've had sex before but he's started getting really angry when i say i'm not in the mood for it. it's getting to the point where he's forcing himself onto me even if i don't want to have sex with him and if i completely refuse he gets angry and hits me. i don't know what to do. i still love him but i don't feel like i can talk to him about it. i don't want to break up with him though.

please help. thank you

Ask Sam



Thank you for message, you have been really brave to write to me and share what is happening for you at the moment. I can hear that you love your boyfriend and that you have had sex before, but I am quite concerned about how things are for you at the moment.

No one has the right to force you to do anything that you do not want to. It sounds like when you say that you are not in the mood for sex, which you are entitled to say, your boyfriend starts to get angry. When you refuse to have sex, which you are also entitled to do, he forces himself onto you, gets angry and hits you. It sounds like your boyfriend is not willing to try and understand how things are for you and what you want.

There are lots of forms of abuse and it is important for you to know that what your boyfriend is doing is wrong.  From what you have said your boyfriend is physically and sexually abusing you. No one has the right to hit you and when someone forces you to have sex when you are clearly saying no this is sexual abuse, even if it is your boyfriend. It sounds like it could be quite scary for you when you are with your boyfriend. If you ever feel in danger you have the right to call 999.

It may be useful for you to think about what is important for you in a relationship. Sometimes it can help to think about if this was happening to your friend and what advice you would give them.

You mentioned that you don’t feel like you can talk to him about this but it is really important that you get the support you deserve. If you don’t feel like you can talk to him what about taking some time to think about if there is anyone that you do feel you can talk to about this. You have done really well contacting me and I wonder how you would feel about talking to a ChildLine counsellor about what is going on.

You can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to speak to a counsellor and it will not appear on the phone bill. Or if you would prefer, they have a 1-2-1 chat service which is a bit like MSN messenger. A counsellor will listen to you and support you.

The Hide Out is also a helpful website which is run by Women’s Aid for young people who are experiencing abuse, maybe you would like to have a look at it.

You do not deserve to go through this alone, I am glad you have contacted me and I hope you get the support you deserve.

Take care,


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