Ask Sam letter


To Sam

Transphobic bullying and a rubish school

Hi sam, me and My boyfriend are both trangender (assainged female at birth) and because we hold hands in school we get bullied. Called trannys and lesbians even though neither of us identifies as female. we get kicked and pushed and i got into a fight once because of that. We tell the teachers and all theyve done is had massive goes at us for showing pda. We had no choice to stop - no holding hands, no hugs, nothing. it meant that when my boyfriend was crying due to some bullying I had to stand there and watch. When i had a break down due to said fight all he could do was sit and watch. all the teachers have done is given our year a really rubbsih assembly on homophobic abuse and barely covering transphobic abuse. schools a living hell for me and sometimes i need a hug from my boyfriend and i cant get it. Both of our parents agress with the scchool.

Are they all being unreasonable or am I just ungrateful for the small usless step they tried taking? Is it wrong that i dont want to be bullied for just getting a hug from my boyfriend when my mental healths bad?

Ask Sam


Hi there,

When someone treats you badly because of your gender identity this is called being transphobic. It's not okay for someone to bully you, no matter what the reason, but it can be especially difficult if they target something about you as a person - such as your gender.

Schools do have rules and may have some about displaying affection in public. That’s okay as long as they’re being applied to everyone equally.

If you feel your school is applying their rules unfairly, then you have a right to speak up about it. If you’re being treated differently because of your gender identity then this is discrimination and you could complain to the head teacher or board of governors.

If you’re not getting the support you need from your school, it’s important to keep talking to them about how they can make it a safer space for you and your boyfriend.

The organisation Stonewall has found that nearly half of LGBT pupils - including 64 per cent of trans pupils - are bullied for being LGBT in schools within Britain. This is a sad statistic but it does mean there are a lot of other people who’ve gone through similar things who can offer some support.

A good first step might be to see if there are other trans people who might share their experiences on our message boards. Talking to others can help you understand what to do next.

I talked to Charlie from The Diana Award, an anti-bullying charity. Charlie said, “Speak out about the bullying that’s been taking place. Bullying can make you feel alone, upset, frustrated and as if there’s nobody to turn to. Make sure you don’t suffer in silence. Talk to a trusted teacher about how you’ve been feeling.

“Your school has a duty of care towards you, meaning that you’re able to learn in a safe, happy and bully-free environment. Keep a note of any incidents that take place, writing as much detail as possible, and take this evidence to a trusted member of staff.”

Writing down what happens can also be a way of coping. It's important not to ignore those feelings and make sure you find ways to express them.

You and your boyfriend have each other, but it’s good to make sure you’re looking after yourself as well.

I hope this has helped. Thank you for writing in.

Take care.


Need help straight away?

You can talk privately to a counsellor online or call 0800 1111 for free.

Ask me a question

You can ask me about anything you want, there's nothing too big or small. I read every single letter but I can only answer a few each week. My replies are published here on my page.

Write me a letter