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My mum doesn't love me because I'm not a virgin

My mum is very displeased with me that I am not a virgin, or that I made that mistake, it makes me very upset because she's ashamed of me. She wishes it was me who died instead of my dad so she wouldn't have to deal with me. Even when I'm on my phone at night she thinks its someone else not my friends and refers to me in nasty names such as slut. Recently, it is becoming a burden of depression. When I get angry or defend myself it just makes things worse. I feel like I lost my mother and the love that she had for me. It's been two years since she found out and I thought it would get better, but it's not The whole situation makes me feel like a failure in life and depressed and unable to do things. I am angry with her and I am angry with myself. I just want my mother to love me again, but I feel like nothing but a burden. ​

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Sam

Hi there,

Everyone has the right to decide when they become sexually active and it’s not okay that your mum is using this to hurt you. Nobody has the right to shame you or make you feel bad about the personal choices that you’ve made.

When someone constantly puts you down, calls you names and makes you feel bad about yourself this is emotional abuse. No one has the right to do this and it’s not your fault that this is happening. Coping with emotional abuse can bring up feelings such as anger and depression – making things even harder to cope with. It can be difficult to feel good about yourself when someone is putting you down all the time.

But anger can sometimes be a good thing. It’s okay to be angry about what your mum is doing because emotional abuse is wrong.  But when that anger starts to make you feel bad then it’s important to learn how to cope with this. There are tips that can help you calm down like exercise, distraction techniques and expressing the anger in a safe way, such as hitting a cushion or pillow, scribbling on paper and then screwing it up and throwing it away.

Nobody should ever make you feel ashamed about yourself for your sexuality. Building self-esteem and confidence can be hard to do when someone is putting you down but there are things that you can do which can help. When your mum calls you a name or says something nasty about you, take a moment to remind yourself that just because she says something this doesn’t make it true. Taking the time to block out the negative comments and think of one thing that you like about yourself can make a big difference.

This is something you don’t have to cope with alone. It’s okay for you to tell someone else about what home is like. If there are other family members you trust then you could share this with them. If you go to school or college then there might be adults there who you trust that you can talk to. And remember you can always talk to a Childline counsellor about anything you’re feeling.

Thanks for your letter, take care.

Sam

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