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1 year on and still in agony

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gottakeeptrying
04 July 2012 at 15:52

1 year on and still in agony

I lost my nan 1 year ago today and i still feel such pain.. since her death i have sunk soo low that i keep thinking i have depression. my mum tells me shes in a better place, which is a nice thought but makes me feel even worse and cry even more.

I occasionally get suicidal thoughts.. but i would never do it cus i dont have the guts. But tbh my nans death started this gentle decline to the place i am now, full of despair and lonliness..

i want to talk to someone.. to get it sorted.. but i just cant really open up when talking. when i talk to someone i smile and pretend its all ok.. im a happy, hyper child at school who most people would consider the last to get depressed. But at home im different.. i turn into a nervous depressed wreak, constantly crying.

Even though my nan wasnt the biggest influence in my life, we were close.. and hearing about her die made me feel soo numb and helpless.. i watched her die over many weeks in a hospice, which wasnt a pleasant experience. Some days i just wish i was up there in heaven with her.. that im a waste of space on earth and would be a lot better of dead.

sorry if i sound like a moaner i just needed to release something.
mouseandcat1
04 July 2012 at 22:17

To get over someone who has died that is close to you, you should try writing all the good things about them and put them is a nicely decorated box, covered in pictures ect, or putting them inside a balloon and letting it float away.

Your Nan wouldn't want you to be sad, she would want you to remember her for her good qualities. It is normal to be sad when someone dies, but you shouldn't forget that you Nan wants you to be happy. When someone dies, you should think off all the happy memories and celebrate their life.

Hope that that helped.

redflash
05 July 2012 at 00:43

Hi gottakeeptrying,

I know what you mean about being the happy one in front of people, the one who can cope when no-one else can - and then going into and empty room and crying.
I also know what you mean about smiling when your telling someone something sad or meaningful to you, that is actually quite a common thing and you are not alone. Whoever you talk to will probably understand that you aren't really happy about it but that it is a defence reflex, and will probably have been in the same postition before.
I am here if you want to talk, you don't have to smile at me through a computer and it can be easier to write/type your feelings and thoughts then speak them.

It is really good that you have already taken this step to writing this post! :)

I understand what you mean when you use the word numb to describe how you feel about your loss, it can be strange and upsetting and worst of all I think confusing, you might think things like why do you still feel this way etc - but it is ok to feel this way! And you have all the time in the world to make your peace with what has happened and to accept it which is what I think maybe you need to do to start feeling better. There are many ways you can do this, counselling being one of them.

Please get back to me :)
You can tell me if you feel rubbish, or write about a memory of your Nan, how you want to act now to begin sorting your head out or if you want ideas on what goals to make so that you can heal emotionally - whatever it is - please feel free to message about it. Writing it all down will probably do you a lot of good - and we all need a rant sometime!!!

I will pray for you and keep you in my thoughts,
Redflash xxx

gottakeeptrying
05 July 2012 at 16:14

mouseandcat1 - 04 July 2012 at 22:17

To get over someone who has died that is close to you, you should try writing all the good things about them and put them is a nicely decorated box, covered in pictures ect, or putting them inside a balloon and letting it float away.

Your Nan wouldn't want you to be sad, she would want you to remember her for her good qualities. It is normal to be sad when someone dies, but you shouldn't forget that you Nan wants you to be happy. When someone dies, you should think off all the happy memories and celebrate their life.

Hope that that helped.

thank you for the responce xx

I do think of the happy memories I have with my Nan, but my mind trails back to the bad memories. I dont know why it does it just comes naturally like that.

I know my nan wouldn't want me to feel sad and i think she would want me to remember all her good qualiies.. but the bad ones are at the forefront of my mind and often rear their heads.

I like the thought of writing things down... i do write them down a lot. My feelings get very mixed up and writing them down helps me to make sence of them.

thank you xx

gottakeeptrying
05 July 2012 at 16:26

redflash - Today at 00:43

Hi gottakeeptrying,

I know what you mean about being the happy one in front of people, the one who can cope when no-one else can - and then going into and empty room and crying.
I also know what you mean about smiling when your telling someone something sad or meaningful to you, that is actually quite a common thing and you are not alone. Whoever you talk to will probably understand that you aren't really happy about it but that it is a defence reflex, and will probably have been in the same postition before.
I am here if you want to talk, you don't have to smile at me through a computer and it can be easier to write/type your feelings and thoughts then speak them.

It is really good that you have already taken this step to writing this post! :)

I understand what you mean when you use the word numb to describe how you feel about your loss, it can be strange and upsetting and worst of all I think confusing, you might think things like why do you still feel this way etc - but it is ok to feel this way! And you have all the time in the world to make your peace with what has happened and to accept it which is what I think maybe you need to do to start feeling better. There are many ways you can do this, counselling being one of them.

Please get back to me :)
You can tell me if you feel rubbish, or write about a memory of your Nan, how you want to act now to begin sorting your head out or if you want ideas on what goals to make so that you can heal emotionally - whatever it is - please feel free to message about it. Writing it all down will probably do you a lot of good - and we all need a rant sometime!!!

I will pray for you and keep you in my thoughts,
Redflash xxx

thank you for your responce it truly brought me to tears xx

I finally feel understood. You are right about it all. It is soo much easier to write things down than to speak face to face. Im trying to accept my nans death and i am in the process of doing soo... but the less happy memories haunt even my best memories of her.

I REALLY appresicate the support your offering me and i has really touched me so much. You dont realise how much this all means to me. xx :')

redflash
07 July 2012 at 23:56

Hi again gottakeeptrying,

I'm so glad you feel understood, you are not alone and there are so many millions of people who do understand and have been in your position and so many people that can and WANT to help :)

I think as much as you want to leave the sadness behind the process of healing and accepting your Nan's death shouldn't be rushed, take your time to come to peace with how you feel and then take the steps you think will help you learn to deal with it.

I understand that sometimes as much as you want to remember the happier memories they somehow manage to lead you back to remembering the sad ones, the ones you might want to block out but might focus on because of the upset and annoyance you feel in grieving and remembering her pain. I hope that now that she is out of pain that can bring you some peace and comfort, and I think mouseandcat1 is right, she wouldn't want you to suffer in sadness and pain, but I realise and understand that this is one of those things easier said then done, and it is ok to have your emotions - perhaps these steps you are already taking by posting online and writing about them are already helping you to heal.

I hope this helps and like I said before I am here if you want to type up anything you feel or think that you just want to get out, or if you have anything you might want advice about in particular.

God bless,
Redflash xxx

gottakeeptrying
08 July 2012 at 20:10

redflash - 07 July 2012 at 23:56

Hi again gottakeeptrying,

I'm so glad you feel understood, you are not alone and there are so many millions of people who do understand and have been in your position and so many people that can and WANT to help :)

I think as much as you want to leave the sadness behind the process of healing and accepting your Nan's death shouldn't be rushed, take your time to come to peace with how you feel and then take the steps you think will help you learn to deal with it.

I understand that sometimes as much as you want to remember the happier memories they somehow manage to lead you back to remembering the sad ones, the ones you might want to block out but might focus on because of the upset and annoyance you feel in grieving and remembering her pain. I hope that now that she is out of pain that can bring you some peace and comfort, and I think mouseandcat1 is right, she wouldn't want you to suffer in sadness and pain, but I realise and understand that this is one of those things easier said then done, and it is ok to have your emotions - perhaps these steps you are already taking by posting online and writing about them are already helping you to heal.

I hope this helps and like I said before I am here if you want to type up anything you feel or think that you just want to get out, or if you have anything you might want advice about in particular.

God bless,
Redflash xxx

Thank you for replying xx

I am never going to be able to get over my nans passing quickly. It's been a year now and im still unable to fully move on, however much i want to. Im just scared im never going to be able to move on, that im gonna be stuck in the place forever.

I know my nan wouldnt want me to be like this, however i just get told that and I cry even more because I miss her so much.

Writing about my experience and trying to help others with their losses has helped me put this into some form of perspective, and I have shared a few of the things I do to distract myself.

Im starting my work experience placement tommorow for a week and im feeling soo nervous and scared. Im scared im gonna do loads wrong, hurt someone or do something stupid. Im scared im gonna feel really low and am gonna become irritable, aggresive and argumentitive.

thank you xxx

Gottakeeptrying xx :)

amz4799
09 July 2012 at 08:07

hey you are helping me so i thought i should help you.

We both know what it is like to lose someone we love.

People say to think of the happy memories and when i do i just get upsete because i know that i won't be able to experience them again. But there is one piece of advice that seems to have sort of helped. A memory box.

Get a box and fill it with things that remind you of your gran. A picture, a card she gave you, anything that reminds you of her.

I will tell you the same thing you told me, if you want to talk i am here. I think that talking to someone who has experienced the same feelings could help the both of us.

But think about the memory box idea, i have only just started mine and I already have a few things in there that make me smile.

amz4799 xxx

gottakeeptrying
10 July 2012 at 00:30

amz4799 - 09 July 2012 at 08:07

hey you are helping me so i thought i should help you.

We both know what it is like to lose someone we love.

People say to think of the happy memories and when i do i just get upsete because i know that i won't be able to experience them again. But there is one piece of advice that seems to have sort of helped. A memory box.

Get a box and fill it with things that remind you of your gran. A picture, a card she gave you, anything that reminds you of her.

I will tell you the same thing you told me, if you want to talk i am here. I think that talking to someone who has experienced the same feelings could help the both of us.

But think about the memory box idea, i have only just started mine and I already have a few things in there that make me smile.

amz4799 xxx

thanks for the support xx

I like the idea of a memory box, but i dont really have any photos or anything of us together. I also think it would heavily upset me to have all the memories presented infront of me to gawp at. These memories may lead back to the bad memories which will hurt a lot.

thanks x

Gottakeeptrying xx

amz4799
10 July 2012 at 21:24

gottakeeptrying - Today at 00:30

thanks for the support xx

I like the idea of a memory box, but i dont really have any photos or anything of us together. I also think it would heavily upset me to have all the memories presented infront of me to gawp at. These memories may lead back to the bad memories which will hurt a lot.

thanks x

Gottakeeptrying xx

I know what you mean.

I felt the same way when I first started it but it does help if ever I miss her I look in the box and see the card that she got me when I started high school and the bracelet that I made for her that I never got the chance to give to her before she died. It does hurt to look at but it also helps me remember the good times with her and treasure them.

Everytime I look in the box I cry but I look anyway because I don't want to forget all of the good times we had together.

And I don't have any pictures of the both of us together either but I do have little things that remind me of her instead.

I know the bad memories will hurt but they will still be there no matter how hard you try to hide them. You need to accept them for what they are, because even though they are bad, they are still memories.

Maybe a memory box isn't the right coping style for you?

I have heard that there are lots of different types of coping methods and maybe making a memory box is one that works for me but not for you?

I have a picture of my aunt next to my bed so that I can say good night to her before I go to sleep and I also have a locket with her picture in it that I never take off. That way I always have a part of her with me, maybe you could try that?

Whenever I get nervous about something or I start to really miss her, I just touch my locket and know that she is there.

Hope this helped and that we can help eachother get through this.

Amz4799 xx

gottakeeptrying
12 July 2012 at 01:05

amz4799 - 10 July 2012 at 21:24

I know what you mean.

I felt the same way when I first started it but it does help if ever I miss her I look in the box and see the card that she got me when I started high school and the bracelet that I made for her that I never got the chance to give to her before she died. It does hurt to look at but it also helps me remember the good times with her and treasure them.

Everytime I look in the box I cry but I look anyway because I don't want to forget all of the good times we had together.

And I don't have any pictures of the both of us together either but I do have little things that remind me of her instead.

I know the bad memories will hurt but they will still be there no matter how hard you try to hide them. You need to accept them for what they are, because even though they are bad, they are still memories.

Maybe a memory box isn't the right coping style for you?

I have heard that there are lots of different types of coping methods and maybe making a memory box is one that works for me but not for you?

I have a picture of my aunt next to my bed so that I can say good night to her before I go to sleep and I also have a locket with her picture in it that I never take off. That way I always have a part of her with me, maybe you could try that?

Whenever I get nervous about something or I start to really miss her, I just touch my locket and know that she is there.

Hope this helped and that we can help eachother get through this.

Amz4799 xx

I could not be emotionally strong enough to do that kind of thing. To look at a locket and be reminded she was gone would bring me to floods of tears which are not good in day to day life.

The bad memories just make me cry. I cannot stop them comming and going and they invade and haunt me. I dont know if ill ever be able to get over her passing.. i dont think ill get over not seeing her again, not hugging her again or not talking to her again.. i just could'nt do it. The thought of her not being arouund causes me great mental suffering that i cant seem to get over, however much i want to.

I cant even look at an image of my nan without crying.. the thought that i will never see that face again kills me inside.. that i will never see it smile or laugh and that i will never have her kiss my forehead again.

im not living anymore and im not coping at all. Im just.. existing..

thanks for the support xx

Gottakeeptrying xx

amz4799
12 July 2012 at 18:52

gottakeeptrying - Today at 01:05

I could not be emotionally strong enough to do that kind of thing. To look at a locket and be reminded she was gone would bring me to floods of tears which are not good in day to day life.

The bad memories just make me cry. I cannot stop them comming and going and they invade and haunt me. I dont know if ill ever be able to get over her passing.. i dont think ill get over not seeing her again, not hugging her again or not talking to her again.. i just could'nt do it. The thought of her not being arouund causes me great mental suffering that i cant seem to get over, however much i want to.

I cant even look at an image of my nan without crying.. the thought that i will never see that face again kills me inside.. that i will never see it smile or laugh and that i will never have her kiss my forehead again.

im not living anymore and im not coping at all. Im just.. existing..

thanks for the support xx

Gottakeeptrying xx

I know that it is hard to look at a picture of a lost loved one. I tear up everytime I look at her picture next to my bed or touch my locket but I do it anyway.

We may have both lost a loved one but you have experienced it at a greater extetent than I have. It was the 5 month aniversary of her death on the Tuesday and I felt physically sick thinking about it and feel sick thinking about it now. If it is like this for me after only 5 months then I cannot imagine what it must be like for you having to cope without her for a year.

And I know what you mean about not being able to see her face again, or have her kiss your forehead I feel the same way. Everytime I think of my aunt I realise that I will never hear the joy in her voice when she laughed or see the sparkle in her eye that she got when she smiled.

I don't feel that I am coping either I just sit in my room all day with my headphones on full so that I can't hear anything but the music and I just listen, I lose myself in the music.

Music has always been a way of escape for me but recently I have been listening to songs that are more angry than I usually listen to and it kind of gets out the anger that I am hiding.

I have been getting angry, tired, confused, forgetfull, none sociable, I feel more and more alone.

I think we both need a friend right now. So if you need anything and I mean anything you let me know and we can help eachother through this.

Amz4799 xx

gottakeeptrying
13 July 2012 at 00:36

amz4799 - 12 July 2012 at 18:52

I know that it is hard to look at a picture of a lost loved one. I tear up everytime I look at her picture next to my bed or touch my locket but I do it anyway.

We may have both lost a loved one but you have experienced it at a greater extetent than I have. It was the 5 month aniversary of her death on the Tuesday and I felt physically sick thinking about it and feel sick thinking about it now. If it is like this for me after only 5 months then I cannot imagine what it must be like for you having to cope without her for a year.

And I know what you mean about not being able to see her face again, or have her kiss your forehead I feel the same way. Everytime I think of my aunt I realise that I will never hear the joy in her voice when she laughed or see the sparkle in her eye that she got when she smiled.

I don't feel that I am coping either I just sit in my room all day with my headphones on full so that I can't hear anything but the music and I just listen, I lose myself in the music.

Music has always been a way of escape for me but recently I have been listening to songs that are more angry than I usually listen to and it kind of gets out the anger that I am hiding.

I have been getting angry, tired, confused, forgetfull, none sociable, I feel more and more alone.

I think we both need a friend right now. So if you need anything and I mean anything you let me know and we can help eachother through this.

Amz4799 xx

hey x

Im gonna be open and honest here. The last few das have been complete and utter rubbish. Iv been flooded with so many things that i just cant take it no more. Im sick of all this. Iv been crying for nearly 2 days straight so I am mentally exhausted. I cant cope anymore and iv been having so many suicidal thoughts its crazy. Today i was just sat by a dollhouse at my work experience playing with it, thinking about death and struggling to hold back the tears.

I feel so weak, so vunerable.. and I JUST CANNOT COPE ANY MORE!!!

I know your there for me, but i just cannot cope anymore with all this. I feel overwelmed and at breaking point.

amz4799
13 July 2012 at 19:43

gottakeeptrying - Today at 00:36

hey x

Im gonna be open and honest here. The last few das have been complete and utter rubbish. Iv been flooded with so many things that i just cant take it no more. Im sick of all this. Iv been crying for nearly 2 days straight so I am mentally exhausted. I cant cope anymore and iv been having so many suicidal thoughts its crazy. Today i was just sat by a dollhouse at my work experience playing with it, thinking about death and struggling to hold back the tears.

I feel so weak, so vunerable.. and I JUST CANNOT COPE ANY MORE!!!

I know your there for me, but i just cannot cope anymore with all this. I feel overwelmed and at breaking point.

I know you have probably heard this from people before but see a counsellor or your gp. My mum has rang my school and she is going to come with me to my counselling sessions becuase I know that I need support and I am not getting that from any of my friends. But I do know that they can help.

A counsellor can help you to cope with your feelings and let them out and your gp can help figure out if you have depression or not and if you have they can help you.

How old are you? Because in teens doctors usually look for the same symptoms happening over 6 months. You may have depression or you may just be taking your grans death really hard.

I am hiding in my room right now because my uncle is in the living room with my parents laughing and talking and I can't take it because everytime I saw my aunt he was there too. I always do this when he comes round...

I know I need support but the truth is you need the support more.

I know this sounds weird but I really wish I could hug you and tell you it is going to be ok. To be your shoulder to cry on. To help you through this. To be your friend.

amz4799
14 July 2012 at 22:14

Please don't do anything. You are too young.

I have already lost my aunt and you are the only supportive friend I have right now, I don't want to lose you too.

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