Thank you very much for you letter and sharing with me what is going on for you right now. I think you have been really brave writing to me.
I am concerned to hear that you have been thinking of ways in which to kill yourself. There is help and support out there for you. If you ever feel the urge to kill yourself I would really like you to try and talk to a ChildLine counsellor first, by logging on for a 1-2-1 chat or calling 0800 1111. You could also have a look at our page on coping with suicidal thoughts or go to the ChildLine message boards to read about other young people’s experiences. You can even leave a message yourself if you like.
Another thing you mentioned is that you have put on 2 stone (14kgs) in one week. That does seem like a very quick change in your weight and it might be a good idea to chat to someone like a doctor or school nurse to see if they can help you figure out what caused it. I hear you saying that you have started to self-harm and starve yourself because you are feeling fat. That sounds like a really difficult way to feel.
Food is really important for us and helps us to keep our mind and bodies healthy. It is not safe to starve yourself as it can cause health symptoms such as feeling tired, not being able to concentrate or dizziness, to name a few. I think you are a really important person and you deserve to be safe and well. Perhaps your doctor or school nurse could help support you to find a healthier way of eating that feels ok for you? Alternatively you could call NHS Direct on 0845 46 47, where you can speak to a nurse over the phone.
You say you have tried speaking to a friend about things that are going on for you and that your friend laughed at you and made jokes about you dying. I don’t think that is funny and your friend is not being very supportive. I can imagine it doesn’t make you feel very good when others are so unhelpful. You talked about people at school saying horrid things about you and I want you to know it is not ok for them to do that. Your school will have something called an anti-bullying policy and they have a responsibility to keep you safe. It sounds as though your self-esteem is really low at the moment and you’re feeling scared about being at school, and would like some help and support.
You could try talking to someone else you trust about your feelings, perhaps someone at school such as a teacher or learning support assistant. It can be helpful talking to someone and sharing your feelings but it can also be helpful to express your feelings by writing them down, such as in a diary or a journal. Getting an adult at school involved could also get you more support with the bullying that you are experiencing. There is lots of information and suggestions for dealing with bullying in Explore. Bullying UK also have some really useful information too.
Finally, remember that if you want to, you can speak to a counsellor at ChildLine over the phone (0800 1111) or through 1-2-1 chat or email. You can contact ChildLine counsellors about absolutely anything, there are not just there for a crisis. Whatever is on your mind, they are there to listen.