Ask Sam

hey.

im  R* (13) and my gf (14) is a self harmer. we talk about it whenever we feel the need to. she says she doesnt do it often but the scars and cuts say otherwise. im really worried about her. i've suggested to her she talks to someone else, like a professional or someone from childline, but she says she doesn't like talking to people about it. she says im the only one she talks to about it.

she hides herself really well and thats the worrying part. no one knows other than me, so no one can help other than me and who ever else knows.

we trust each other with our lives. we've been going out for about 4 or 5 months now, but i've only just found out.  she says everything would be better if she just acted happy. she's done it for 9 years.

also when we aren't talking about cutting and self harm, i find it awkward talking to her. i cant find things to say to her. im not really a good conversation starter. 

if you could help me with either of these it would be really helpful and i'd be most grateful, thanks in advance.  R* x

Hi there,

Thanks for contacting me about your concerns for your girlfriend who self harms.  You have done the right thing writing to me about this.

From what you have said you have done all the right things to try and encourage your girlfriend to talk to someone about how she feels but it sounds like she is not ready to do that.  Maybe you could talk to her about looking at the Self harm page in Explore. There is some useful information on self harm and how to tell someone about it.  She may also want to look at the Self harm message boards, where other young people have posted about their own situations.  Your girlfriend could post a message seeking support from the online community too.  This may be a good place for your girlfriend to start talking to someone about what is happening in a, ‘safe place’ which is anonymous.

It is really great that you are offering your girlfriend such wonderful support but it is important that you are supported too.  It must be very difficult dealing with the pressure of being the only person that your girlfriend speaks to.  If you don’t feel able to talk to an adult you trust about how you feel, you can always chat to a ChildLine counsellor by sending a private email, chat online or call the helpline on 0800 1111 anytime.  If you are concerned about your girlfriend’s safety at anytime then you should contact 999 for immediate help.       

You mention in your letter that you find it awkward talking to your girlfriend and that you don’t feel like you are good at starting conversations.  It may be that you have shared interests and you could think about what things you both enjoy, which may be things like music, TV programmes or activities.  These would all make good conversation starters and you can probably think of more too. For more help have a look at this information in Explore which talks about building confidence and self esteem.

It is great that you have contacted me to talk about this and you should be proud that you are looking out for your girlfriend in this way.

Take care,

Sam