Hi there
First I want to say how glad I am that you’ve written in about this, it sounds like you’re blaming yourself a lot for what’s happening and it’s great that you are talking about it. It’s important that you know that you’re not a bad person.
Nobody ever has the right to rape you. It can be an extremely difficult experience for young people to talk about and it sounds like it is something that’s still on your mind. It’s important that you remember that when it comes to sex and sexual stuff, it’s your right to say no to anything you don’t feel comfortable with. It doesn’t make you a bad person if you don't want to do something, or be in a situation you're not comfortable with.
When someone has been through a trauma like you have, it is understandable that they would feel scared or nervous in similar situations. It can be really helpful to have a safety plan; this involves ideas on how to keep yourself safe if you ever are feeling scared or nervous around a guy. Plans like these can include going to places that you can be safe in, or people who you trust that may be good to contact if you are feeling unsafe. It can also be a really good idea to let someone you trust know where you’re going and what time you’ll be getting back. If you ever need immediate help, you can contact the police on 999 anytime.
I wonder whether you’ve ever spoken to anyone about what had happened to you when you were younger. Talking to someone and sharing your feelings and experiences can help you deal with emotions around what’s happened. Being raped is never your fault and nobody ever has the right to do it. Whenever you feel ready, you can talk to a counsellor at ChildLine 24 hours a day, 7 days a week by calling free on 0800 1111 or through 1-2-1 online chat (which works like MSN).
Another website you might find useful is Rape Crisis. Rape Crisis offers advice and support to anyone who has been sexually assaulted. It also has information on local centres that you might be able to go to for support.
Take care
Sam