Hi there
Well done for being brave enough to get in touch and tell me what happened to you. I imagine this has been a very difficult and upsetting time. It sounds like since your cousin called you, the things that he did to you that you tried to forget, have been constantly on your mind. I imagine this is a lot for you to deal with on your own, so well done for writing to us to get some support.
You say your cousin was like an older brother to you and when he molested you, you didn’t understand what he was doing but you knew you didn’t like it. Your cousin sexually abused you and abused the trust and relationship he had with you. What he did to you was wrong and against the law.
It sounds like you felt, and still do feel, under a lot of pressure to keep everything ok with your cousin and with the family in general. You talk about how the shock of remembering has affected you and how you think it made you say things to your cousin that you didn’t actually mean. You also describe feeling the memories of what happened is killing you and that you cry every night and in the day. This is a lot to be dealing with and memories of things that have happened to us can be very strong and affect us in many different ways.
I can see how you have some mixed feelings about what you want to do. I imagine not being sure what to do, is in itself, very difficult and tiring. You say you’d rather keep it in and suffer the consequences. This is not you being weak; it sounds more like you struggling to know what you want to do about this.
You describe how the feelings are affecting you emotionally and your ability to focus on school. You say how much you want to tell your mum because you realise you shouldn’t be keeping it in and you need her to know so she can protect you.
You talk about the things that are perhaps holding you back from telling anyone. You feel scared, ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted and have feelings that you could have done something different, rather than making yourself forget. I want you to know you did nothing wrong, your cousin did. It is really important you know that how you reacted afterwards is entirely natural. Remember you were ten, you trusted him and you wanted to forget what he did to you.
You also describe how this type of thing doesn’t happen in your family and I get the sense you feel a lot of responsibility to keep the family as it is and not to tell on your cousin. It sounds like the thought of actually telling anyone is very scary.
I imagine with all that is going through your mind concentrating on exams is very difficult. Exam time is stressful anyway and the pressure of wanting to do well to get to do something you want to do, is no doubt adding to this. If you did decide to tell someone, it may be that the school can make a case to the exam board for why your exams may have been affected. I understand you don’t want to tell anyone and this might feel like a big step. So perhaps, for the moment, being able to talk some more about this to ChildLine might help you release some of the feelings, to enable you to concentrate more.
You have done so well to talk about this for the first time and you describe how it’s all kind of coming out. I wonder if it might help you to talk some more about this to one of the ChildLine counsellors. They could help you by giving you time to talk about this and perhaps work out what you want to do. You could also discuss how best to cope with your current exam pressures. Whatever you choose to do, ChildLine will be here to support you.
Take care
Sam