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Topic My two-faced friends are putting my educational future at risk 

Question

To Sam 

15/02/2011 8:43pm 

My two-faced friends are putting my educational future at risk 

Note: I have not used anybody's real names in this letter.

I am in Year 10 and am studying for my GCSE's; my teachers see me as a top student who is expected to receive A*s in every subject. Because of this, I am generally shunned by the majority of my year, being called a freak amongst other things. I have come to accept that this may be due to jealousy and have learned to put up with this jealousy from virtually everyone in my class since Year 7, but it has never extended to my friends before lately.

My English teacher recently called me out of a lesson to notify me that two of my best friends had been to tell her I had cheated in an exam using notes. Of course I did no such thing and was naturally horrified at this news, especially as I learnt they had done this over a week ago and pretended to be nice to me since. I did not see them again that day, and the next time I did on Monday, I did not speak to them. I did not want to start a fight or another flood of bullying, so I calmly ignored them. They seemed to know they had done something wrong, as they made no attempt to converse with me. I was so shocked that they could do something like this to me, and I do have a tendency to see only the worst in people (for perfectly good reason; everyone I have trusted has stabbed me in the back during my life), so I decided to see what they were saying behind my back. I's rather know the truth than be strung along and played for an idiot again. One of these girls once told me if you searched for her unusual last name on Google, you could go straight to her Twitter page. I for one am strongly opposed to both Facebook and Twitter, seeing it as a bullying ground, but I had to know the truth, and found out that another girl, who I had trusted, was stirring up lies about me and saying how glad she was I had been 'caught out'. This girl, unlike the other two, has never previously expressed any form of jealousy of me before, so I am really confused as to why she is doing this now. They seem to think they have done nothing wrong and I can't understand why they would make up something like this anyway. Even if their friend did cheat in an exam, which I didn't, who would go and tell a teacher on them anyway? How old are they exactly?

It is easy for someone to suggest that I ignore them, but the situation is awkward. My other 4 friends are being really over-the-top nice to them, saying they'd rather not get involved, when last week, when I thought I could trust the 3 two-faced ones, the other 4 were talking about them in a bitchy and derogatory way like they always do. But now it has come to where either I ditch all my friends and be alone until I leave school, or I stay with them in this awkward situation where I don't talk to anyone.

Nothing can be done about this in school ...[identifying information removed]...They sometimes seem all too happy to sit and let me get bullied as long as parents aren't complaining about their teaching methods.

You may think that the best alternative is to move schools, but this could jeopardise my future as I am in the middle of my exams and no local school can offer me the exact subjects with the exact exam boards I am currently studying. It basically feels like I have to choose between having a successful future at a good university (my lifelong ambition is to study at Oxford), where I would have to stay in this school in awkward situations and not talking to anybody, which distracts me from my work as I feel miserable and lonely; and starting afresh somewhere else but completely messing up my GCSE's halfway through them. For me, the latter can't be an option. I have only stuck in my school and put up with the torture because I hoped it would one day pay off when I am in a good job in years to come. In the long run this seems like the best option. However, I can't have these three girls getting away with any more bullying and making my life a living hell.

So, long story short.... is there any alternative you could suggest??? I know this seems pretty hopeless, but this is my last and only hope.

Thank you, Lily (this is a pseudonym by the way)

Sam's answer

Sam 

25/02/2011 5:06pm 

Hi Lily

Thank you for your letter. I’m really glad that you decided to get in contact, you have given us lots of information and I can see that you have a lot going on. It sounds like you have been having a really hard time since you started secondary school and that your friends 'stabbing you in the back' has really affected you. I’m really concerned to hear that one of them has been making up rumours about you, especially when it could affect your education which is very important to you.

It sounds like ignoring them has been awkward for you so far. Perhaps it might be a good idea to let these girls know how you feel. You’ve told me that you didn’t want to start a fight or another flood of bullying but you’ve also said that you felt confused as to why one girl seem to make the rumours up. You mentioned too that these girls seemed to know that they had done something wrong and that the bullying had never extended to your friends until lately. 

Sometimes it can be hard to have a calm discussion about what’s happened and how it’s affecting you without someone helping to mediate the conversation. Some schools offer peer support or mentors who can help to sit in on a difficult talk you want to have with another person or group of people and help to keep the conversation calm. Another option maybe be if there is a member of staff at school who is in charge of pastoral care or a school counsellor, perhaps you could ask that person if they could help you arrange a time and place to talk to these girls, it would be a good idea if they stayed with all of you throughout the conversation and played the role of mediator, keeping things fair and calm. 

It seems like you’re unsure about this group of friends and I wonder whether you take part in any extra curricular school activities or clubs where you may meet some other like minded people or friends?

You said that you feel like the situation is pretty hopeless. It also seems as though you are feeling very unsupported as your parents and teachers work together and you feel like your teachers are scared of being seen to give you preferential treatment, penalising you in the process. You haven’t mentioned in your letter whether or not you have been able to tell your parents about what’s going on and what your relationship is like with them. Perhaps you could think about speaking to them, another relative or an adult that you trust about what’s been happening. 

You have told me that you think of Facebook and Twitter as a bullying ground. I’m concerned to hear that your friend has an open profile that anyone can access through Google. It is wrong for people to use your name and spread rumours about you online and you can get help from CEOP's (child exploitation and online protection) Think U Know website.   

You’ve expressed you are feeling miserable, lonely and distracted from your school work. You are welcome to talk 1-2-1 with a ChildLine counsellor anytime using online chat or phone on 0800 1111

Take care

Sam

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