Thanks for getting in touch and sharing what is happening for you at the moment.
Having anxieties and worries about health issues is really common, especially when someone you know has been ill in the past. Dealing with the death of someone who matters to you is also really hard. It sounds like sending these texts to yourself was perhaps a kind of ‘cry for help’ in a way. It also sounds like you wanted people to be there for you and help you but maybe you didn’t know how to do that at the time.
Asking for help and support when you are struggling sometimes can be difficult, but it’s really important to let others know when you feel you need help. I'm really glad that you have been able to do that now. As you said, it took some time for you to share what really happened with your friends. While some of them have been understanding about what happened, your closest friends still haven’t fully forgiven you and don’t trust you.
It sounds like you would like to be able to talk to these friends again and have their support. While you might not be able to make them forgive you at the moment, you can let them know how you feel about the situation and tell them how much they matter to you. You may find that it takes a bit more time to rebuild trust that
has been lost.
I’d like to suggest that if you want to talk further about things you contact one of our counsellors here at ChildLine. You can get in touch whenever you’d like to by calling us on 0800 1111 or by having a 1-2-1 chat (like instant messenger), or by emailing us from your ChildLine Locker.
It might also be worth looking at the following websites, as they might offer you some advice or support on some of the issues you mentioned. Firstly, Wellchild is an organisation that offers support to young people with complex health conditions. Secondly, RD4U is a service that supports young people in dealing with death and bereavement.
You might also like to look at the information in Explore about Friendships and the Friends message board. You can even leave a message to get support from other young people if you like.
As I said, anytime you want to share anything with one of our counsellors we are here to listen – so don’t hesitate to get in touch.