Hi there
As I read your letter I’m a little confused as you say at the beginning that you love your boyfriend but later say that you treat him badly.
Relationships aren’t always easy to manage but it’s probably important for two people to want to care about each other and be kind to each other, for it to work out in a healthy way.
You could maybe take some time to think about what you want in a relationship and check to see if that is what you have now.
All relationships have their ups and downs but it is never a good idea to treat someone badly just because you can. It can sometimes make you feel powerful and strong to do that but remember it will always make the other person less powerful and less strong. Good healthy relationships are based on honesty and that means talking to each other.
You have been with him for quite a long time so I’m guessing that there are some qualities there that made you like him in the first place! Try talking and see what happens,
Good luck,
Sam