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Topic Controlling boyfriend advice needed 

Question

To Sam 

30/03/2011 7:40pm 

Controlling boyfriend advice needed 

me and my bf have been going out for almost a year next month, he means the world to me and i know he loves me a lot.

the problem is he is to controlling, in other words he says things like he's got the right to control my life, tell me what i can and cant do and that i have to listen to everything he's  says. i ain't a person who really listens to people so as you can imagine i don't listen to him which just leads to worse situations.

he swears at me al the time calling me really nasty names but yet i still don't say anything. he says i deserve being treated like this as in the past i have lied to him. the lies i have told him i wouldn't exactly class them as lies as i only said them to prevent arguments in our relationships. i lied about going shopping with my mates and little things like that because if i tell the truth it just damages the relationship further. does he have the right to not let me go out with my mates because im only 17 and as far as im concerned i realy don't see that as a problem he's too worried about me hooking up with some other guy.

daily he accuses me of cheating which i have not done all it does is breaks my heart and leaves me to tears everyday. do you think i should stay with this guy. i love him so much we break up like every 2 days but we cant live without each other. he also is suffering from depression as he's parents spilt up couple weeks ago hence the reason why i feel i have to stay with him in order to support him and help him get through this. and thats another reason why i let him treat me the way he does.. e.g swear at me and manipulating me... i need advice realy bad

thank you for taking your time to read this email. x

Sam's answer

Sam 

05/04/2011 4:25pm 

Hi there

Thanks for writing to me about how things are with you and your boyfriend. It sounds like you are unsure about what to do as your boyfriend is treating you in a way you don’t feel comfortable with.

You have said that your boyfriend is telling you he has the right to control your life. I would like to tell you that no-one has the right to control your life no matter what problems they have of their own. He also doesn' have the right to call you nasty names and manipulate you.  

You also say he accuses you of cheating when you have done nothing wrong. A healthy relationship is based on trust. It is normal for people in relationships to argue sometimes but he has no right to be reducing you to tears on a daily basis and acting the way he is.

You have been really brave sharing this with me and it sounds like although you love your boyfriend you are finding it difficult to stay in the relationship while he behaves in this way.  It sounds like you are trying your best to support him and stick by him even though he is treating you like this.  However I would like to say again that no-one has the right to treat you in this way no matter what the reason.

It sounds like you may benefit from talking through your relationship with someone and getting some support.  ChildLine would be more than happy to support and listen to what is going on for you.  You can contact ChildLine in a number of ways, for example call free on 0800 1111, sign up for an account and use the 1-2-1 chat or email. You can also get advice and support from other young people on the message boards about relationships.

Take care

Sam

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