Ask Sam

...which parent i want to live with because my father mentally harrases me.

Well, my mum and dad had been having small fights since i was a little kid. But it became unberable. My mum decided to seperate and take care of all of us three brothers and sisters all on our own. Now my father wants to keep us with him even though we dont want to be seperated from our mother. He mentally harrases me and my mother. He threats us and tries to dominate our lives. That man has no consideration for his children. He said that hes going to come to our house tommorow to take us with him away from our mum and normal life. I do not want to live with him and fear for my mental and physical health and security.  He has left the house since 9 months and has been causing major issues in the rest of our families by spreading hatefull rumors about us and our mother.  I have my GCSEs coming up and i know that i will do well. But his hurtful and selfish actions scare me for my future. Im 15 , my sister is 18 and my younger brother is 11. I want to know whether i would have the say in whether which parent i want to live with. Thanks please help!

Hi there 

Thanks for getting in touch and letting me know what’s happening for you right now.

It sounds like there have been some unpleasant times when your mum and dad were together and that sounds really difficult for you. It seems that, when things became unbearable, your parents decided that it would be best to separate and for you and your siblings to live with your mum.  It also sounds like that’s been working well for you so far and you’ve adjusted to the situation.

I can now see that your father has decided how he would like things to be and you are worried that if you lived with him, this would make you unhappy and may affect your health.  You don’t say what your father does when he threatens or mentally harasses you and I am wondering how things are when you stay with him.  It’s important to let you know, that all young people have the right to feel safe and to be cared for.  It is never right for an adult to harm a young person in any way and it sounds like he hurts you emotionally.

I guess it is upsetting to hear that your dad is spreading rumours about the family and that this is, maybe, another reason for you not wanting to be with him full-time.

You ask about whether you have any say over which parent you can to stay with.  I’m not sure whether your mum and dad have made any legal arrangements about this.  If so, then there should be an agreement in place to say that you are to stay with your mum and this should not change, unless the change has been made legally.  If this was the case, you and your siblings would be asked your views on who you would like to live with, by a professional. 

A couple of websites that you and your mum might like to look at could be www.cafcass.co.uk or Children's Legal Centre.  They might help you to understand the legal position on situations like yours.

If you would like to talk any of this through, why not call to speak to a counsellor free on 0800 1111. 

Take Care

Sam