Hello
Thank you for your letter. It sounds like you have been carrying a very heavy burden for a very long time and that can be very tiring, both emotionally and psychologically. It sounds like you have kept a lot of these feelings locked deep inside you - I see that you say that you feel there is no one you can really trust. Trust is a very precious thing and it can take time to learn to trust someone. However, sometimes learning to trust someone is about taking a chance. There are people out there who can help and support you and it sounds like you could really use a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear right now.
How you are feeling about your dad is natural and it's okay to be angry with someone, feel hurt and betrayed, and still love them. Feelings don't always make sense and that can be when it's more important to talk about them. I'm very worried for you and for those thoughts and feelings that you are struggling with. I hear you when you say you want to die and I hear that you don't want your mum to find you and put her through that. However, you shouldn't have to battle with this all the time.
There are people out there who can help and who you can trust - these could be your mum, or another relative, a teacher, a school counsellor, a youth worker or your GP doctor. Your GP could even refer you to another service in your area that could specifically help you with the things you are facing and the memories you are struggling with.
You could also check out Alateen for some support from people who can understand what its like to have lived with a parent who had alcohol problems; including all the problems that go along with that.
If you do feel you would like to talk more, but don't feel able to talk to anyone face-to-face, you can also always talk with a ChildLine counsellor online through 1-2-1 chat or by calling free on 0800 1111.
You don't have to go through this all on your own anymore. Things can change and feelings can change. It can take time, but it is possible.
Take care
Sam