Hi
Thanks for your letter. It sounds like you are feeling really sad at the moment but you aren’t sure why that is. I can hear that you feel like you should be happy because you have good friends and a loving family and you feel guilty because you are aware that there are people who are worse off than you.
It sounds like you are feeling really low despite those things and you have said you can’t imagine yourself ever being happy and would secretly like to kill yourself. It’s very concerning that you are feeling like this.
It can be really difficult to cope with feelings when we don’t understand where they come from. Maybe it would help to think about what was happening in your life when you started to feel so sad. I want to let you know that you are not alone, lots of young people tell me that they have times when they feel sad but they are not sure why.
It sounds like trusting people might be difficult for you as you say it’s easier that nobody knows about how you feel. I’m wondering what makes it hard for you to trust people. It seems like you don’t want anyone to find out about how you are feeling because you don’t want them to worry.
I can hear that writing to me feels like your only option and I’m glad that you did. Sometimes it can help to share a problem with someone.
I would encourage you to talk to a counsellor at ChildLine, they won’t tell anyone what you talk about and they will be happy to support you and try and find ways to help you feel better. Everybody has good days and bad days and you won't always feel so sad. You might not feel like this at the moment but things can get better. You can contact ChildLine free on 0800 1111, through 1-2-1 chat or email.
Take care
Sam