Hi there
I read the title of your letter and want to tell you that you are special and valuable because you are unique. Sometimes we all do things we're not proud of, but that does not make you a bad person. You are special and valuable.
In your letter it sounds like you are really upset about what has happened and you miss your friends. It is natural to feel this way when you lose people you care about and it can sometimes feel unfair when you feel it is not your fault.
It can be really frustrating when you try to apologise to someone and they won’t accept it. You say you have thought about letting things cool down, sometimes having time away from what’s going on can be a good idea. It gives people time to calm down and they can think about what has happened. Another way you could try to let your friends know that you are sorry is to write them a letter explaining what happened and how you feel about it.
People have different ways of coping and it seems like you use self harm to cope with your feelings. It sounds like you may not want to self harm anymore and there are some different things you could try that may give you the same feeling as self harming. Some people find pinging an elastic band on their wrist or holding an ice cube in their closed hand gives them the same feeling as self harming but in a safer way.
You might find it useful to look around the ChildLine website, there is lots of information and advice in the Explore section. You could also talk to a counsellor here at ChildLine either on the phone, online chat or email.
Take Care
Sam