Hi there
First let me say how glad I am that you decided to write to me. It sounds like there have been a lot of changes in your life and you've been thinking about all this, and worrying about yourself as well.
It can be really difficult when you feel like everything around you is changing or even disappearing. I can see how much you’ve been through lately, with your parents separating, your boyfriend breaking up with you and even having your friend’s divide up. Sometimes it can feel like everything is falling apart, it’s important to remember that it’s really not your fault. Nobody deserves to be feeling how you’ve been made to feel lately.
People can cut themselves for all different kinds of reasons, and a lot of people find that it can help express emotions that they are finding hard to deal with. When you spoke about your self harm it almost sounded like you were punishing yourself for the way things are now.
It’s important, if you are cutting yourself, to make sure that you are doing it safely. This can include making sure that the cuts are kept clean and that they’re not bleeding heavily. It’s important that if you ever feel like you’re in danger from your cuts that you get support for yourself, you can even call 999 and ask for an ambulance if you need to. Your safety is more important than anything.
I can see how much the self harm is helping you to cope at the moment, and I can imagine it being something almost ritual when you are feeling that way. Having something upset or anger you and feeling the desire to cut can be a really difficult cycle to break, but it’s brilliant that you are talking about it openly. It might be good to take a little time to look at the ChildLine page on Self harm, as it has lots of information on self harming. If you feel able, it might be good as well to look at the Self harm message board where a lot of young people are able to talk about their self harm openly and get support from each other.
It sounds like you have been worrying a lot that you might have schizophrenia. I can imagine how scary it might be looking at the symptoms and feeling like you match up to them. It’s important to remember that sometimes looking at a list of symptoms can be misleading, especially when you are looking at a particular condition. Symptoms for schizophrenia can relate to a whole range of different things, and you always need to remember that only a medical professional can diagnose you. Also, feeling like you have something like schizophrenia and not having anyone know can make everything even scarier and make you feel even more isolated.
It can be really difficult to think about talking to a doctor, especially when you’re worried about how they might react or actually if you’re just worried that they may confirm your fears. At the same time, it’s important to think about what it might be like for you if you don’t talk to them. I can imagine it being hard to even think how you’d say something to your doctor or even how you’d make an appointment to see your GP. Sometimes it can help to actually practice what you’d like to say, and to make a plan of how you would make the appointment, what you’d say then and even what to do if you do find that you’re getting worried going there. Sometimes having everything planned can help make it easier to go.
Like I said, it can be really hard to even think about where to start getting support, and a really good place to start would be with a ChildLine counsellor. They’re there to support you about anything that might be happening, and can talk to you about how you are feeling and help you in deciding what you feel that you want. You can talk to a ChildLine counsellor via email, through 1-2-1 chat online (like MSN), or even by calling 0800 1111 (it’s completely free and won’t show up on the phone bill). Remember ChildLine is there 24 hours a day and 7 days a week to support you.
Take care,
Sam