Thank you for writing to me. It sounds like you feel things have changed a lot in the last few years and I can hear you are finding things very difficult at the moment.
I get the sense that you feel really hurt by the way your dad behaved and that’s understandable. No one has the right to treat someone else badly or say horrible things. It sounds like you feel that getting into the wrong crowd and smoking was a reaction to being upset by what was going on for you at the time. Being able to recognise that about yourself is a really good skill to have.
You said that you decided to quit smoking and I think that was really brave of you. It can be hard to try to change things about yourself when you want things to be better but it sounds like you have a lot of willpower and I think that’s really positive.
I’m not sure what your relationship with your mum is like but I’m wondering what it would be like for you if your mum knew what was happening for you and how you are feeling.
I get the sense that you are feeling very isolated and you have said that you cry all day and hardly ever sleep. Sometimes when things are feeling tough it can make you feel like you just want to keep away from everything and be on your own. At the same time, this can be hard as it can be lonely and feel like other people aren’t realising how you are feeling. It sounds like you find being at your grandfather’s grave comforting and that’s understandable as I can hear that you miss him. It can be a difficult and confusing time as you adjust to how things are when you lose someone, and work out how to remember them in a way that’s right for you. It can be important to talk about how you feel and if you would like support around how to deal with feelings of loss you can contact Cruse (a youth bereavement service) on 0808 808 1677.
You might also want to have a look at the section in Explore about When someone dies. The bereavement message board is also a space where young people can share their experiences and advice.
It’s OK to be upset and to take some time to work through what is going on for you. It can be really helpful to get some support - everyone needs help sometimes. The counsellors at ChildLine are always here to listen and perhaps you could give us a call on 0800 1111 or use our 1-2-1 chat.