Hi there
Thank you for writing in, I can see you are having a hard time at the moment.
It’s quite normal to put a brave face on things whenever something happens that we think we are supposed to cope with. I can't be sure from your letter why you felt that you had to hide your real feelings. Maybe you wanted to protect your parents or maybe you just weren't quite ready to work out how you really felt. Eventually your real feelings will always find a way out, and that seems to be happening to you now. My advice to you is let them out. You might not feel ready to talk to your mum or dad yet, but find someone you trust, like a good friend, or call ChildLine, and start to work through some of your feelings. Feelings are an important part of who you are. Letting them out keeps your mind and body healthy.
There are lots of young people out there who have experienced the pain and upset of their parents splitting up, and, like you, it’s something that they have had no control over. There is a website that you might want to get a look at: www.itsnotyourfault.org.uk which has lots of information and will hopefully help you see that you are not alone in the way you feel. I don't know if you've ever used the message boards on the ChildLine website before, but it’s a good place to ask other young people directly how they dealt with their parents separating.
I hope this helps.
Take care
Sam