Wow, I'm nervous. Hi, Sam. I've been feeling kinda depressed lately and I guess I need to lift the weight off my chest.
I'm 13. Just so you know. Anyway, everything's kinda getting on top of me. It's basically 3 main subjects: Family, Friends, and Relationships. Although I don't know whether those last two are the same thing. Probably. Anyway, I'll list them in seperate paragraphs, so it's easier to understand.
Family.
I live in a 2 bedroomed bungalow with my mother, father, 21 year old sister and 20 dogs. No joke. My mother has Emphysema and really can't cope with the dogs, seeing as most of them are puppies and aren't house trained yet. It's half term right now, and every few minutes it seems my mother is calling me to clean up wee or poo, or let one of them out into the back garden. It's really frustrating, because it seems I can't do anything without having to watch the dogs. I am usually not allowed out with my friends because my mum is alone here with them. I keep hinting that we have too many, and that we should get rid of some, but they're either ignoring my signs or I'm not being obvious enough. I am with Barnardos Young Carers because of mum's illness, but I don't really think it's helping.
My sister got attacked a few years back, and ever since then my parents have been really over protective. My dad really dislikes my friends, and calls my ginger friend 'carrot-top' behind her back. He's really immature, and he and mum don't really like each other. My mother has threatened to leave him many times before, but I guess she wouldn't be able to cope without him. My mother screams a lot. A whole lot. I understand that she gets frustrated because she isn't able to do much around the house, but it seems she is incapable of an inside voice. When my friends came to call for me, she screamed at them to eff off because they were making the dogs bark. They didn't really appreciate it. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents to pieces, but they really get on my nerves at times.
And so does my sister. She's spiteful, ignorant and plain selfish. She winds me up deliberatly, and does anything within her power to get me in trouble or grounded. I wait for the blessed day she moves out. But she can be okay. When she wants to be.
Friends.
I tell my friends almost everything, including my problems at home. And they help, for the most part. But a couple of weeks ago, I moaned to them about my mother being unfair, and they threatened to call social services. That wouldn't really help.
My one friend, the ginger one, is bascally good as gold. But my other friend is very critical. She critisises nearly everything about me, my makeup and school work included. I'm quite academic, but she always tries to out-do me, and not in a 'friendly-competition' way. She also makes horrible jokes about my friend's hair colour, and last year she stabbed my with a pencil, and the lead actually snapped off inside my arm. We're getting quite pee'd off by her.
She always thinks she's better than everyone else, and plays on the fact that her father disowned her a few months ago. She uses it in almost any argument to trump anyone else's point. For example, I wear Lynx, the men's deodarant. Don't ask me why, I just prefer it to the girly perfumes. I wore a different one to school the other day, and she shouted that I smelled like Roger (her father, or ex-father as she calls him). She basically uses it to get everyone's attention and sympathy.
Relationships.
2 years ago, I had my first boyfriend. He happened to be my critical friend's ex. We were together for 3 months, before he dumped me saying 'he'd rather stay friends'. I was heart broken. I don't care what anyone says about being too young for love, I genuinely believed I was in love with him. It hurt like hell when he left me, and I kinda got obsessed. Very obsessed. Not the smartest thing to do, I know, but it was the one way to ensure that he was still in my life. But later on, I found out he'd told one of his friends that he'd never loved me, that he'd just gone out with me because he pitied me. That was a kick in the teeth. I then went out with his friend as a rebound, but it ended badly. While I was with him, I performed a sexual act on him. My friends found out, and they haven't let it go since. Nearly everyone in my year knows now, and it's kind of embarrassing.
Recently, I got attached to a guy in the year below me. I told my ginger friend, and she was fine with it. But then a few days later she told me she had started liking him. And then we found out he liked her back. We went out for the day, me, her, this guy and his friend. In the evening, they went somewhere to talk, and afterwards I found out that he had wanted her to touch his penis, but she had said no. I doubt she declined, though. Anyway, I knd of distanced myself from him. He moved school last week, and she has been really upset, and I try to comfort her, but I can't let her see that I'm upset too. It's easier to put on a brave face for her, than for us both to be upset.
It seems everyone I am attracted to likes her. My first boyfriend, my second boyfriend, the guy we both liked. Still I'm not surprised. I am morbidly obese (the Wii fit told me) and quite ugly. My nose is huge, I have spots and I'm just generally not pretty. She is basically my opposite. She is thin and beautiful. This upsets me immensely. I guess I'm just envious. It's hard not to be though.
Anyway, that is why I have been feeling depressed recently. I have self harmed before and have recently thought about doing it again, just to relieve the stress. I have also thought about committing suicide. I have an en suite bathroom, and I often imagine drowning myself in the bath. But I know I can't go through with it. I couldn't bear to hurt my family like that.
I look forward to your reply. It would be interesting to see if you have a coping method I could use. Thank you for reading this. I know it's kinda long.
Bye