Hi there
Thanks for your letter; I’m really glad you felt able to write all this down.
I can see that things are difficult for you right now and that you seem to be looking for ways to manage your situation. It seems like the last year has been especially difficult for you. You feel worried about not being able to concentrate when it is such an important time with exams and coursework. I’m wondering whether this might be because you spend much of your time thinking about what has happened in the past.
When we place our trust in people and they betray us, this can leave us feeling worried about trusting others. It can take some time to re-build trust. I hear that people who you trusted, sexually and physically abused you and so it is understandable that this left you feeling that it’s not easy trusting people. It seems like taking your time to get to know others is your way of protecting yourself and that’s important.
At the same time, it seems that you have a relationship with a boy and although you think it could be positive, you are thinking about whether you can trust enough, to meet him alone. It seems like the boy is saying that he will take things at your pace and respects that you will tell him when you feel ready to take things forward. If you don’t feel ready, that is ok, you feeling safe is what matters.
You don’t say when you were sexually abused by a family member and I am worried about whether you still have contact with that person and if so, what that’s like for you and how you feel you can keep yourself safe. Please remember that if you ever feel in immediate danger, you can ring 999 to get some support right away.
Not being able to eat or sleep sounds very draining and I can see that you have now started to self-harm but would like to stop this. A useful website about self-harm is www.selfharm.org.uk. Would it help to speak to a nurse or doctor about how you’ve been feeling?
Also, how would you feel about getting in touch with a ChildLine counsellor to talk things through? They would listen and support you to find a way forward that is right for you. If you would like, they could discuss with you less damaging alternatives to self-harming. You can do this by ringing 0800 1111 (calls are free) or having a 1-2-1 chat on-line.
Take Care
Sam