Hello,
Thank you for writing to me and sharing a bit about how things are for you at the moment. I can see that you are dealing with a lot and you have been really brave to tell me about how you are feeling.
I can see how the way you have been feeling lately has been affecting you. It also sounds like home may not feel that supportive and maybe quite lonely at times.
Many young people feel sad or down from time to time when life seems like it's horrible and no one understands you, and it’s normal to feel like this. If you feel like the sad thoughts and feelings are stopping you from being happy, enjoying your life, or making you feel that life isn’t worth living, then it might help to talk to someone who can listen without judging you.
I wonder what you think about the idea of going to see your doctor to talk about the way you have been feeling. If you were worried about whether they would have to talk to your parents maybe this is something that you could ask your doctor first. You deserve all the support you would like and getting some medical advice could be really helpful.
Self harm for some young people can be a way of expressing how you are feeling and a way of coping with everything that is happening around you. It is important that you are able to keep any wounds clean so that you do not get an infection. It might be helpful to spend some time thinking about how you are feeling before, during and after you self harm. Also thinking about what is making you want to self harm as sometimes tackling the cause of the problem will help stop you from feeling like you want to hurt yourself. You might like to have a look at the Self harm information in Explore for more information on self harm and steps to take to try and get support.
I am concerned to hear that you feel that you are feeling slightly suicidal however it is really great that you are speaking about it. Feeling trapped and not being able to get out of the black feelings sounds like it could be quite scary but it is important for you to know that talking about them is a great first step to getting the support you deserve and maybe even finding a way to deal with the black feelings.
You said that you have tried to talk to your mum and she replied by saying you were having a bad week. I wonder what it would be like for you to write your mum a letter about how you are feeling and everything you are dealing with. As you feel she is busy it will allow her to read it when she does have some time, you will be able to get everything out onto paper that you would like her to know and it will give her a chance to respond to you. It can take a lot of courage to talk to someone again after you have tried before however what happens in your life and how you are feeling is really important. Sometimes it can be hard for other people to realise how bad things are for you unless you are able to keep trying to talk to them about it.
It can seem like the hardest thing to do, but talking to someone about how you feel, whether that is a friend, relative, parent or a trusted person like ChildLine means that you are starting to deal with your feelings. If you keep your feelings to yourself, that can make the sad feelings turn into something worse. When you are ready you can give ChildLine a call on 0800 1111 to talk this through, or sign up for an account and have a 1-2-1 online chat with a ChildLine counsellor.
Take care,
Sam