Hi,
First of all I am really pleased that even though it felt uncomfortable and you’re feeling really low you decided to write to me to let out your concerns. It can be really difficult for people to admit to themselves that they need help, and then to take a step of courage to ask for help - well done.
From what you’ve shared it seems that the last two months have really knocked your recovery from depression, and your belief that you won’t always feel this way. It might not feel like it, but feeling shocked and hurt, is an understandable reaction to finding out that you have an older sister. It is okay to take some time to get used to the news, and if needs be to let your Dad know how it has left you feeling.
It sounds like your way of coping has been to hide yourself away from the world, unfortunately you’re friends are finding it difficult to understand this instead calling you ‘boring’. I can imagine your friends’ not understanding being really upsetting, especially if they know what you’ve been through. When people are coping through depression the thought of being around other people can be exhausting, especially if other people are not sesitive to the way yuu're feeling.
We have little control over how people treat us, what they say, and initially how it leaves us feeling, but we do have some control over what we do when we are aware of our feelings.
It might be worth planning what you can do to feel better when people or situations upset you. An example of this could be creating a special box of items that make you smile and laugh such as favourite book, song, and film, so when you can sense something really upsetting you, you can turn to these items. When you feel up to it you might want to write yourself an encouraging letter (maybe writing the things you have achieved and qualities you have) you can have a read when you’re feeling low, and remind yourself that you don’t always feel this way.
You say you can’t get out of the rut, depression can feel that way, like a huge dark coat that you can’t get off without the help of other people. From your letter I’m not sure if you’re still seeing your counsellor; if you’re not maybe you could go back to them so you can talk through your feelings in more detail and get some support.
I wonder if you’ve thought about looking at the young minds website, or looking at the ChildLine message board on depression. Getting information on how to cope and talking to people who are going through or have been through depression might help you to remember that you’re not alone with your feelings. As I'm not medically trained I can’t answer whether you’ll, ‘get rid of the depression’, but you might find ways that help and become aware of the things that trigger your depression, so you know how to cope with it.
You sound like a very strong minded young person to say that you’ll never commit suicide, and I’m glad of that as I care about your safety. I want you to know that you can talk with a ChildLine counsellor anytime on 0800 1111 about your suicidal thoughts.
Take care,
Sam