Hello,
I’m really glad that you’ve sent me a message about what’s been going on for you. You’ve done really well to start to talk about this. It sounds like it’s been a really difficult time for you, not only with the panic attacks and horrible thoughts, but also with others teasing you about these.
Panic attacks can be really distressing in themselves, particularly if you feel unsure about when and where they’ll happen. It seems that you’ve noticed they are worse when you’re away from home. Being aware of when they are better or worse can help to better understand what might be going on. Maybe you could think about what it might be about those situations that makes you feel panicked and, note any thoughts or feelings that you have at the time. Keeping a diary of the situation, thoughts and feelings you had at the time and how this affected what you did can be a good way to help you understand exactly what was going on for you.
You also seem to be quite worried that you might have a panic attack on the residential trip. Although you’ve said that you don’t want to tell anyone, sometimes talking can help. In particular, I wonder how you might feel about telling an adult that you trust who is also going to the residential trip. If you do feel panicked at any point it may help if someone else knew about it and could then support you. Some people can find relaxation techniques useful when having panic attacks you can find a few of these and some more information about anxiety in Explore.
It also sounds like having horrible thoughts and being conscious of germs has been really affecting you, but in particular the way that others have been reacting has really upset you. You talked about a girl touching your face and laughing at you when you cried; it seems that others don’t appreciate how hard this might be for you. Nobody has the right to make you feel uncomfortable like that and what they are doing is wrong.
You ask about what you should do. It might help to think about what you would like to see happen and think about the smaller steps that might lead to this goal. If you find this difficult, remember that you can always contact a ChildLine counsellor to talk a bit more about what options might be available to you and what you might find most useful. You can sign up for an account and get in touch by email and 1-2-1 chat or by phone on 0800 1111.
Take care,
Sam