Hi there,
It sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment and I'm really glad that you have written in for some support. You have written about experiencing a lot of different feelings, it sounds like they could be a lot to deal with at once. Feelings changing can be natural but it seems like this is at getting to the stage where it is bothering you. Something you could maybe try is writing down the reasons you are feeling depressed at times, and also the reasons you feel happy, it may help you figure out the reason for the change of moods. If it works for you then you could try the same with all the moods. If you find it hard to work out the reasons then don’t worry, sometimes moods can change without explanation, you could talk to your GP about this if it is something you would like support with.
It seems like things were really tough when you were with your mum and that she hurt you both physically and emotionally. Part of you seems to feel that you did something wrong, this can be natural to feel at times but it doesn’t sound like any of this was your fault. Your mum has responsibility for her own actions and you should never have been treated like this. During this difficult time you seemed to look for ways to cope like harming yourself and making yourself sick, you’re not alone in trying things like this, sometimes it can be hard to think of ways to cope when you’re in a tough situation. You wrote in your letter that the cutting has gotten worse, I'd really like to be able to talk more with you about this, if it is something you want to change we can support you in thinking through other ways of coping. While you are cutting it is important to make sure you clean your wounds to avoid infection and that you get medical attention if you bleed heavily or feel unwell.
You have written that you want to stop with the starvation and cutting which seems really positive, sometimes one of the biggest steps is actually making that decision so you have come a long way already. ChildLine counsellors are here for you to talk to and will try and support you in any way they can.
You sound like you have a positive relationship with your dad but are worried that he might not understand certain things, such as speaking to him about your sexuality. Sometimes parents can surprise you at how understanding they can be, but it’s completely your choice whether you feel ready to tell him. As well as ChildLine other people who may be helpful to talk to could be a teacher at school, a GP and friends. You can post messages on the ChildLine message board to share advice with other young people.
I hope this reply has been of some help. You are welcome to talk more about anything that is worrying you with a ChildLine counsellor. Sign up for an account to use the 1-2-1 online chat, or phone for free on 0800 1111.
Take care,
Sam