Hi there
Thanks for writing to me about how you are feeling, and there's no need to apologise for the length. I am really glad you have decided to send me a letter, as sometimes talking about how we feel can help.
It sounds like there are quite a few thoughts and ideas going round your head at the moment. These seem to be leaving you feeling quite confused and you find yourself questioning what you are thinking and why.
You talk about enjoying having friends, but hate going round to their houses and it makes you feel anxious and depressed. I imagine these are quite difficult feelings to deal with and it seems this is causing you quite a lot of unhappiness. It sounds like perhaps the part you find weird is not really understanding where these feelings come from, and how it doesn’t seem to make sense because you like your friends. Maybe, you could write down some more of your feelings to do with this as a way of trying to work out why you feel like this. You could think about whether it has always been like this and what things have helped in the past to make it less of an anxious experience for you.
It sounds like you surprised yourself with your response to what you thought of the world ending. This might have made you feel weird because you can’t understand the feelings you have.
You also describe a desire to live on a remote island but talk about this as being ridiculous. Fantasising about things we would like and make us feel happy, is really natural and can be a really good way to work out what you really want in life. Fantasising can sometimes act as a useful escape from situations or feelings we are finding difficult. Fantasies might seem quite extreme and far removed from our current situations, but it doesn’t mean they are ridiculous. Perhaps in the example you give, there is something about living a quieter life that you are naturally drawn to?
I wonder if talking about all these examples in a bit more detail, maybe with someone at home you trust, or a counsellor at ChildLine, may help you understand a bit more about your feelings. It might also help you accept them a bit more.
You describe yourself as an over-achiever and how you hate this. It sounds like you have mixed feelings about this, as you also talk about having this strange desire to do really well in school. Often it is difficult and confusing to deal with different opposing feelings at the same time. It sounds like your friends are important to you and you hate the thought of upsetting them. You sound really self-aware and thoughtful in considering how what you say might sound and affect others. This is a really lovely quality but it also sounds like you have been quite hard on yourself.
You end your letter asking if this is all part of growing up, and I guess in a way some of it is. As we get older we start to have more opinions on issues and some people become more aware of their behaviours, motivations and may find themselves looking for explanations as to why they feel or act a certain way.
Even if this is part of growing up it doesn’t mean that what you are feeling is not important and saying it is ‘just part of growing up’ is not very helpful and would be quite dismissive of your feelings. I guess being able to talk about your views and feelings can be a good way to work out more about your opinions and thoughts. As I said earlier, you know you can always talk to a counsellor at ChildLine about anything. They are there to listen to you and you can contact them online on a 1-2-1 chat or on freephone 0800 1111.
I hope this has helped, and thanks again for being brave enough to write to me about what is going on for you.
Take care
Sam