Hi there
Thank you for writing in about this. You have been really brave to talk about what has happened and how you are feeling about it. From what you are saying it sounds like you are really missing your grandad right now. You say that he was the best thing in your world and he was always there for you. It sounds like you had a great relationship with your grandad and losing him has really affected you. This has been a very difficult period for you.
You talk about how he died when your nan was out shopping and you were meant to be making sure he was ok. It seems like you really blame yourself for what happened, calling yourself ‘lazy’ for going back to bed and saying that it’s all your fault. You have been blaming yourself for a long time now as you say your grandad died about a year ago. For that reason, I’m really glad you decided to write in about this. I imagine it has been very difficult for you to be blaming yourself for so long.
It is really important that you are aware that when someone we love dies, we go through a lot of difficult emotions including anger, sadness and feelings of guilt. Some people blame themselves when somebody dies even though it wasn’t their fault, and please remember this was not your fault. This can be part of the grieving process and it is normal and natural to go through a lot of these feelings when someone you love dies. Also keep in mind that each of these feelings can come and go at different times without warning.
You have also said you feel like you are letting your grandad down because you are doing badly in exams and it sounds like you are struggling a lot. Dealing with bereavement can be extremely hard and it is really important that you know that it is ok to ask for help and support when you feel you can’t cope after a loved one has died.
It is good that you want to talk about this and I think you might find it helpful to contact ChildLine and talk to a counsellor. The counsellors won't judge you; instead they will listen to you and support you. You may find that talking to someone helps to make things clearer in your head. You can phone ChildLine on 0800 1111 (it is free to call and doesn’t appear on phone bills) or you can speak to a counsellor online through 1-2-1 chat.
You have done really well in writing in.
Take care,
Sam